tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6061784540672164962024-03-05T21:09:25.767-06:00Pilgrim DaysPilgrim Dayshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02477430833391246977noreply@blogger.comBlogger476125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-606178454067216496.post-3760219958864775092018-09-28T23:43:00.001-05:002018-09-28T23:43:23.665-05:00Things to understand about grief...the 11th year chronicle I haven't written about grief in a long time or anything else for that matter, but grief has been on my mind a lot lately. I miss Knox; he'd be turning 13 this year and we'd again have 4 teenagers. Janey talks of him often these days. One of the kids has had a crisis of faith over the losses of their life which is understandable as it is no small thing. One is always convinced they could have a horrible illness and we don't know. A friend once told me that as the kids pass through the stages of development, they'd deal with grief all over again. They were right and when the kids deal with it, Jon and I deal with it as well.<br />
Here is the thing to understand about grief. It isn't singular. It isn't a single feeling at a single moment about a single event. It encompasses much more than "so and so died." Death is inevitable and we know this as we are all on the road to death ourselves. Here is the thing though...Death isn't how it should be. If things were right and we lived in Eden, there'd be no death. It should come with a sorrow that comes with things that aren't as they should be. This is why it isn't singular. This is why we don't just way, "Yeah! Knox is in heaven! Praise be to God!" And then live happily every after. While heaven is certainly worth rejoicing, the way he got there wasn't how it should be and it leaves a aftermath not unlike aftershocks or even a tsunami after an earthquake. It isn't one single devastation.<br />
Here is what is ...that shouldn't be. Siblings grow up one short. Mom and Dad raise one less. There is always that feeling of one not here. The wondering, the curiosity, what would the dynamic be like. One less sibling to annoy. One less sibling to love. One less to play the game, to ride in the car, to sit around the table, to tuck into bed at night. One less groomsman in a sister's wedding. One less attending graduation. One less blowing out birthday candles, year after year. It isn't singular.<br />
I some times joke, though it certainly isn't funny, that grief is the gift that keeps on giving. Janey may never figure out how her brother drowned in a bathtub. She may never quit wondering how I didn't stop him or telling me we should have gated the stairs. Creed and she won't take a bath or a shower without a parent or sibling in the next room. They never get to feel like a part of the family that knew him, loved him, physically touched him.<br />
Jack was young. Don't underestimate the young. He was so angry for so so many years. We didn't just grieve the loss of Knox. We grieved the loss of joy for our son. There were many times we felt like we were going to lose two sons; one to death and one to anger. Every day, the possibility of thinking...He should be here. I should be towering(maybe) over two brothers and not one. Missing out on a soccer partner, a mowing partner, a fortnite partner.<br />
The Older girls from Emma to Anne Michal dealing with things like being afraid they'd die in their sleep. I think they all went through periods were they were terrified they'd quit breathing. Elizabeth answered Knox's every beck and call, whether he actually made them or not. She always thought he needed her and wanted to always be with him. Then one day that gets stripped away. A month later she turns 8 without him by her side, her sidekick, her buddy. Emma had just gotten to that big sister stage of him sitting on her lap and I remember how proud she was when he'd want to be with her, but being so young at not yet 5 to have a storehouse of memories. Anne Michal, the oldest of a clan, a ridiculously proud oldest sister of many. She took it seriously. You know what happens when you are the oldest, responsible, born old and wise and a younger sibling dies. You blame yourself and you get a heavy dose of guilt to carry around. Being told there was nothing you can do, doesn't really do much for that as it is inside. It too is not a singular moment. It isn't a flash of guilt any more than sorrow is a flash. Nightmares...do we even need to talk about those?<br />
None of these things are how it should have been. The living out of our lives will never seem as it should have been. Does that seem dramatic? Maybe, but it is true. It doesn't mean we are constantly in depression or can't see the goodness of God or find joy in life. It does mean that we are sometimes sad, struggle with unbelief, or confused at the works of God and His manner of doing things. It means there is always going to be one less person....until it is two less people. It means we are always going to grieve for what should have been. We do not need to hear, "Rejoice for he is in heaven." We need to hear, "This is a hard pilgrimage for you. Let me travel with you for a bit and keep you company. Heaven is ahead." We need people to let us lament for lament turns to rejoicing, but we need to get there ourselves even if we have to repeat the journey several times over.<br />
Lastly, there is an unknown to grief. That seems odd even for me to say for it has been a companion of mine for over 10 years now. Just as I think I have the hang of it and I know how it affects things, it changes course and brings something new. Who knows what the path of grief brings just around that corner up ahead....but beyond that ...somewhere...is heaven.Pilgrim Dayshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02477430833391246977noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-606178454067216496.post-49266046293354657612017-06-07T20:46:00.000-05:002017-06-07T20:46:33.003-05:0010 Years: A Narrative Poem One of my intentions for the 10th anniversary of Knox's death and accident was to write down what happened. I had never done that as it always seemed so daunting, but there is something to naming things and farther than naming them, telling the story. I don't have a strong explanation for it though I am sure there has been study on "story telling" but it is powerful and I'd imagine the story would vary the way in which it is powerful. Telling the story can diffuse the power it has over you, offer comfort to other people, give people the chance to relate and empathize and perhaps feel less alone, to reduce speculation, etc.<br />
I tried writing it out several times. It just didn't work. I'd start writing and then think that needs explaining, and then that needs explaining , and then that. Choosing what to include and what not to include and just never feeling like it was complete or alive. Stories should feel alive and more than just some words on a page.<br />
One night last week, I was laying in bed with Janey while she went to sleep and it just started coming out in this form and I turned to the notes on my phone and typed it out. When it was done, it felt done and complete. I am not a poet by any means and hesitate to even call it a poem(poim!), but I don't know what else it would be!<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
Matthew Knox Anderson<br />
10/27/05-04/23/07<br />
<br />
<div class="m_-5563058143238985218p1">
<span class="m_-5563058143238985218s1"><span class="m_-5563058143238985218Apple-converted-space">Blue-eyed </span>Knoxie standing by my side,</span></div>
<div class="m_-5563058143238985218p1">
<span class="m_-5563058143238985218s1">Giving my leg a tug begging for a bite.</span></div>
<div class="m_-5563058143238985218p1">
<span class="m_-5563058143238985218s1">Those blue eyes pleading; I can't say no,</span></div>
<div class="m_-5563058143238985218p1">
<span class="m_-5563058143238985218s1">A piece of pepperoni from my hand to his.</span></div>
<div class="m_-5563058143238985218p2">
<span class="m_-5563058143238985218s1"></span><br /></div>
<div class="m_-5563058143238985218p1">
<span class="m_-5563058143238985218s1">My attention returns to making pizza;</span></div>
<div class="m_-5563058143238985218p1">
<span class="m_-5563058143238985218s1">His attention gets drawn elsewhere.<span class="m_-5563058143238985218Apple-converted-space"> </span></span></div>
<div class="m_-5563058143238985218p1">
<span class="m_-5563058143238985218s1">I finish the pizza and in the oven it goes<span class="m_-5563058143238985218Apple-converted-space">, </span></span></div>
<div class="m_-5563058143238985218p1">
<span class="m_-5563058143238985218s1">Where is Knox I ask; check outside.</span></div>
<div class="m_-5563058143238985218p2">
<span class="m_-5563058143238985218s1"></span><br /></div>
<div class="m_-5563058143238985218p1">
<span class="m_-5563058143238985218s1">There is water on the floor; why is that?</span></div>
<div class="m_-5563058143238985218p1">
<span class="m_-5563058143238985218s1">The sound of water running is heard;</span></div>
<div class="m_-5563058143238985218p1">
<span class="m_-5563058143238985218s1">It seems to come from above my head.</span></div>
<div class="m_-5563058143238985218p1">
<span class="m_-5563058143238985218s1">Oh- my toilet must be running again.</span></div>
<div class="m_-5563058143238985218p2">
<span class="m_-5563058143238985218s1"></span><br /></div>
<div class="m_-5563058143238985218p2">
<span class="m_-5563058143238985218s1"></span><br /></div>
<div class="m_-5563058143238985218p1">
<span class="m_-5563058143238985218s1">I head down the hall for the stairs.</span></div>
<div class="m_-5563058143238985218p1">
<span class="m_-5563058143238985218s1">I gasp! Running water is heard again,</span></div>
<div class="m_-5563058143238985218p1">
<span class="m_-5563058143238985218s1">Not a toilet running; way too loud<span class="m_-5563058143238985218Apple-converted-space">! </span></span></div>
<div class="m_-5563058143238985218p1">
<span class="m_-5563058143238985218s1">Up the stairs I race knowing what I'll find.<span class="m_-5563058143238985218Apple-converted-space"> </span></span></div>
<div class="m_-5563058143238985218p2">
<span class="m_-5563058143238985218s1"></span><br /></div>
<div class="m_-5563058143238985218p1">
<span class="m_-5563058143238985218s1">Speeding up I round the corner<span class="m_-5563058143238985218Apple-converted-space">, </span></span></div>
<div class="m_-5563058143238985218p1">
<span class="m_-5563058143238985218s1">Water gushing from the faucet; so loud!</span></div>
<div class="m_-5563058143238985218p1">
<span class="m_-5563058143238985218s1">His body face down; bobbing up and down,<span class="m_-5563058143238985218Apple-converted-space"> </span></span></div>
<div class="m_-5563058143238985218p1">
<span class="m_-5563058143238985218s1">A scream echoes through the house.<span class="m_-5563058143238985218Apple-converted-space"> </span></span></div>
<div class="m_-5563058143238985218p2">
<span class="m_-5563058143238985218s1"></span><br /></div>
<div class="m_-5563058143238985218p1">
<span class="m_-5563058143238985218s1">Frantically I scoop him from that tub;</span></div>
<div class="m_-5563058143238985218p1">
<span class="m_-5563058143238985218s1">The scream tapers to a whisper.</span></div>
<div class="m_-5563058143238985218p1">
<span class="m_-5563058143238985218s1">He is pale, cold, lifeless--<span class="m_-5563058143238985218Apple-converted-space"> </span></span></div>
<div class="m_-5563058143238985218p1">
<span class="m_-5563058143238985218s1">Desperate, I put my mouth to his.</span></div>
<div class="m_-5563058143238985218p2">
<span class="m_-5563058143238985218s1"></span><br /></div>
<div class="m_-5563058143238985218p1">
<span class="m_-5563058143238985218s1">My eyes meet my friends'; begging<span class="m_-5563058143238985218Apple-converted-space"> </span></span></div>
<div class="m_-5563058143238985218p1">
<span class="m_-5563058143238985218s1">Please help me! what do I do?</span></div>
<div class="m_-5563058143238985218p1">
<span class="m_-5563058143238985218s1">One takes him from me; working<span class="m_-5563058143238985218Apple-converted-space"> </span></span></div>
<div class="m_-5563058143238985218p1">
<span class="m_-5563058143238985218s1">One calls 911, "there is an emergency.<span class="m_-5563058143238985218Apple-converted-space">" </span></span></div>
<div class="m_-5563058143238985218p2">
<span class="m_-5563058143238985218s1"></span><br /></div>
<div class="m_-5563058143238985218p1">
<span class="m_-5563058143238985218s1">Kids starting coming up the stairs.</span></div>
<div class="m_-5563058143238985218p1">
<span class="m_-5563058143238985218s1">Please don't come closer; don't look!<span class="m_-5563058143238985218Apple-converted-space"> </span></span></div>
<div class="m_-5563058143238985218p1">
<span class="m_-5563058143238985218s1">Back outside they go; scared, confused--</span></div>
<div class="m_-5563058143238985218p1">
<span class="m_-5563058143238985218s1">CPR continues. He vomits; breathe Knox!<span class="m_-5563058143238985218Apple-converted-space"> </span></span></div>
<div class="m_-5563058143238985218p2">
<span class="m_-5563058143238985218s1"></span><br /></div>
<div class="m_-5563058143238985218p1">
<span class="m_-5563058143238985218s1">My daughter phones her grandma</span></div>
<div class="m_-5563058143238985218p1">
<span class="m_-5563058143238985218s1">"Knox, I think he's dead."</span></div>
<div class="m_-5563058143238985218p1">
<span class="m_-5563058143238985218s1">I scream, I cry, I beg, I plead,</span></div>
<div class="m_-5563058143238985218p1">
<span class="m_-5563058143238985218s1">"Lord please, no, do not take him!"</span></div>
<div class="m_-5563058143238985218p2">
<span class="m_-5563058143238985218s1"></span><br /></div>
<div class="m_-5563058143238985218p1">
<span class="m_-5563058143238985218s1">Still no breath. CPR continues.<span class="m_-5563058143238985218Apple-converted-space"> </span></span></div>
<div class="m_-5563058143238985218p1">
<span class="m_-5563058143238985218s1">Where is the ambulance?</span></div>
<div class="m_-5563058143238985218p1">
<span class="m_-5563058143238985218s1">St. Joes is only two blocks away;<span class="m_-5563058143238985218Apple-converted-space"> </span></span></div>
<div class="m_-5563058143238985218p1">
<span class="m_-5563058143238985218s1">Up and down the stairs waiting<span class="m_-5563058143238985218Apple-converted-space">-- </span></span></div>
<div class="m_-5563058143238985218p2">
<span class="m_-5563058143238985218s1"></span><br /></div>
<div class="m_-5563058143238985218p1">
<span class="m_-5563058143238985218s1">I run out to meet them;<span class="m_-5563058143238985218Apple-converted-space"> </span></span></div>
<div class="m_-5563058143238985218p1">
<span class="m_-5563058143238985218s1">Standing on the lawn pleading still.</span></div>
<div class="m_-5563058143238985218p1">
<span class="m_-5563058143238985218s1">Feeling naked and exposed; helpless<span class="m_-5563058143238985218Apple-converted-space">-- </span></span></div>
<div class="m_-5563058143238985218p1">
<span class="m_-5563058143238985218s1">God, feels close and reassurin.<span class="m_-5563058143238985218Apple-converted-space"> </span></span></div>
<div class="m_-5563058143238985218p2">
<span class="m_-5563058143238985218s1"></span><br /></div>
<div class="m_-5563058143238985218p1">
<span class="m_-5563058143238985218s1">Next thing I know, I'm in the ambulance.</span></div>
<div class="m_-5563058143238985218p1">
<span class="m_-5563058143238985218s1">Up front with the driver; tears streaming,</span></div>
<div class="m_-5563058143238985218p1">
<span class="m_-5563058143238985218s1">Neighbors watching from their lawns<span class="m_-5563058143238985218Apple-converted-space">. </span></span></div>
<div class="m_-5563058143238985218p1">
<span class="m_-5563058143238985218s1">Bitterly I cry - "Where are your kids?"</span></div>
<div class="m_-5563058143238985218p2">
<span class="m_-5563058143238985218s1"></span><br /></div>
<div class="m_-5563058143238985218p1">
<span class="m_-5563058143238985218s1">At the ER, Knox behind closed doors,</span></div>
<div class="m_-5563058143238985218p1">
<span class="m_-5563058143238985218s1">"Is their anyone we can call?" asks the nurse.</span></div>
<div class="m_-5563058143238985218p1">
<span class="m_-5563058143238985218s1">"Yes, please call my mom and my sister;</span></div>
<div class="m_-5563058143238985218p1">
<span class="m_-5563058143238985218s1">Call all my friends; ask them to pray<span class="m_-5563058143238985218Apple-converted-space">." </span></span></div>
<div class="m_-5563058143238985218p2">
<span class="m_-5563058143238985218s1"></span><br /></div>
<div class="m_-5563058143238985218p1">
<span class="m_-5563058143238985218s1">Head on the counter, I sob and pray</span></div>
<div class="m_-5563058143238985218p1">
<span class="m_-5563058143238985218s1">I look up to see Jon come in<span class="m_-5563058143238985218Apple-converted-space"> </span></span></div>
<div class="m_-5563058143238985218p1">
<span class="m_-5563058143238985218s1">His face one big question<span class="m_-5563058143238985218Apple-converted-space"> </span></span></div>
<div class="m_-5563058143238985218p1">
<span class="m_-5563058143238985218s1">What has happened? Confusion.</span></div>
<div class="m_-5563058143238985218p2">
<span class="m_-5563058143238985218s1"></span><br /></div>
<div class="m_-5563058143238985218p1">
<span class="m_-5563058143238985218s1">How could we let this happen?</span></div>
<div class="m_-5563058143238985218p1">
<span class="m_-5563058143238985218s1">We love our children dearly;<span class="m_-5563058143238985218Apple-converted-space"> </span></span></div>
<div class="m_-5563058143238985218p1">
<span class="m_-5563058143238985218s1">We watch them and care for them.</span></div>
<div class="m_-5563058143238985218p1">
<span class="m_-5563058143238985218s1">We knew that drain didn't work well.</span></div>
<div class="m_-5563058143238985218p2">
<span class="m_-5563058143238985218s1"></span><br /></div>
<div class="m_-5563058143238985218p1">
<span class="m_-5563058143238985218s1">How could we not see? How?</span></div>
<div class="m_-5563058143238985218p1">
<span class="m_-5563058143238985218s1">This is all my fault. All my worry,</span></div>
<div class="m_-5563058143238985218p1">
<span class="m_-5563058143238985218s1">All my anxiousness in recent past,</span></div>
<div class="m_-5563058143238985218p1">
<span class="m_-5563058143238985218s1">All my need to hear .It was in vain.</span></div>
<div class="m_-5563058143238985218p2">
<span class="m_-5563058143238985218s1"></span><br /></div>
<div class="m_-5563058143238985218p1">
<span class="m_-5563058143238985218s1">They have him breathing they say.</span></div>
<div class="m_-5563058143238985218p1">
<span class="m_-5563058143238985218s1">But don't have hope. He won't make it.</span></div>
<div class="m_-5563058143238985218p1">
<span class="m_-5563058143238985218s1">I beg them- "Be merciful to him!</span></div>
<div class="m_-5563058143238985218p1">
<span class="m_-5563058143238985218s1">Please don't let him suffer."</span></div>
<div class="m_-5563058143238985218p2">
<span class="m_-5563058143238985218s1"></span><br /></div>
<div class="m_-5563058143238985218p1">
<span class="m_-5563058143238985218s1">We are led into the room.</span></div>
<div class="m_-5563058143238985218p1">
<span class="m_-5563058143238985218s1">This doesn't look my Knox.</span></div>
<div class="m_-5563058143238985218p1">
<span class="m_-5563058143238985218s1">I am so sorry. So very sorry.</span></div>
<div class="m_-5563058143238985218p1">
<span class="m_-5563058143238985218s1">He is only breathing by machine.</span></div>
<div class="m_-5563058143238985218p2">
<span class="m_-5563058143238985218s1"></span><br /></div>
<div class="m_-5563058143238985218p1">
<span class="m_-5563058143238985218s1">Friends come and peer in the window,</span></div>
<div class="m_-5563058143238985218p1">
<span class="m_-5563058143238985218s1">Beckoned in, they offer comfort<span class="m_-5563058143238985218Apple-converted-space">. </span></span></div>
<div class="m_-5563058143238985218p1">
<span class="m_-5563058143238985218s1">This isn't your fault. I am so sorry.</span></div>
<div class="m_-5563058143238985218p1">
<span class="m_-5563058143238985218s1">You didn't know. I didn't know.<span class="m_-5563058143238985218Apple-converted-space"> </span></span></div>
<div class="m_-5563058143238985218p2">
<span class="m_-5563058143238985218s1"></span><br /></div>
<div class="m_-5563058143238985218p1">
<span class="m_-5563058143238985218s1">He needs different equipment<span class="m_-5563058143238985218Apple-converted-space"> </span></span></div>
<div class="m_-5563058143238985218p1">
<span class="m_-5563058143238985218s1">And needs to me moved; storms all around.</span></div>
<div class="m_-5563058143238985218p1">
<span class="m_-5563058143238985218s1">Helicopters can't fly; ambulance not right,<span class="m_-5563058143238985218Apple-converted-space"> </span></span></div>
<div class="m_-5563058143238985218p1">
<span class="m_-5563058143238985218s1">We wait and wait some more; hours pass.</span></div>
<div class="m_-5563058143238985218p2">
<span class="m_-5563058143238985218s1"></span><br /></div>
<div class="m_-5563058143238985218p1">
<span class="m_-5563058143238985218s1">Finally, an ambulance from Temple arrives.<span class="m_-5563058143238985218Apple-converted-space"> </span></span></div>
<div class="m_-5563058143238985218p1">
<span class="m_-5563058143238985218s1">They load him up; we are to follow.<span class="m_-5563058143238985218Apple-converted-space"> </span></span></div>
<div class="m_-5563058143238985218p1">
<span class="m_-5563058143238985218s1">Wrench in plans; CPS shows up,</span></div>
<div class="m_-5563058143238985218p1">
<span class="m_-5563058143238985218s1">"Ma'am! Ma'am! We must talk to you!"<span class="m_-5563058143238985218Apple-converted-space"> </span></span></div>
<div class="m_-5563058143238985218p2">
<span class="m_-5563058143238985218s1"></span><br /></div>
<div class="m_-5563058143238985218p1">
<span class="m_-5563058143238985218s1">I can't. My son. I must go with him.<span class="m_-5563058143238985218Apple-converted-space"> </span></span></div>
<div class="m_-5563058143238985218p1">
<span class="m_-5563058143238985218s1">He cannot die without me there<span class="m_-5563058143238985218Apple-converted-space"> </span></span></div>
<div class="m_-5563058143238985218p1">
<span class="m_-5563058143238985218s1">"Ma'am, you don't understand<span class="m_-5563058143238985218Apple-converted-space"> </span></span></div>
<div class="m_-5563058143238985218p1">
<span class="m_-5563058143238985218s1">An accident happened in your home!"</span></div>
<div class="m_-5563058143238985218p2">
<span class="m_-5563058143238985218s1"></span><br /></div>
<div class="m_-5563058143238985218p1">
<span class="m_-5563058143238985218s1">I understand. An accident; a tragedy.</span></div>
<div class="m_-5563058143238985218p1">
<span class="m_-5563058143238985218s1">I don't need this explained to me.</span></div>
<div class="m_-5563058143238985218p1">
<span class="m_-5563058143238985218s1">I have to talk to your children;</span></div>
<div class="m_-5563058143238985218p1">
<span class="m_-5563058143238985218s1">I have to make sure they are safe.</span></div>
<div class="m_-5563058143238985218p2">
<span class="m_-5563058143238985218s1"></span><br /></div>
<div class="m_-5563058143238985218p1">
<span class="m_-5563058143238985218s1">It is midnight. They are asleep; safe.</span></div>
<div class="m_-5563058143238985218p1">
<span class="m_-5563058143238985218s1">A friend steps in, "Sir, they are asleep</span></div>
<div class="m_-5563058143238985218p1">
<span class="m_-5563058143238985218s1">Safe at my house. There is no need</span></div>
<div class="m_-5563058143238985218p1">
<span class="m_-5563058143238985218s1">Tomorrow; tomorrow is soon enough"<span class="m_-5563058143238985218Apple-converted-space"> </span></span></div>
<div class="m_-5563058143238985218p2">
<span class="m_-5563058143238985218s1"></span><br /></div>
<div class="m_-5563058143238985218p1">
<span class="m_-5563058143238985218s1">The tears which haven't stopped<span class="m_-5563058143238985218Apple-converted-space"> </span></span></div>
<div class="m_-5563058143238985218p1">
<span class="m_-5563058143238985218s1">Continue the downward streams.<span class="m_-5563058143238985218Apple-converted-space"> </span></span></div>
<div class="m_-5563058143238985218p1">
<span class="m_-5563058143238985218s1">My son is going die and it is my fault.</span></div>
<div class="m_-5563058143238985218p1">
<span class="m_-5563058143238985218s1">They are going to take my other children, too.</span></div>
<div class="m_-5563058143238985218p2">
<span class="m_-5563058143238985218s1"></span><br /></div>
<div class="m_-5563058143238985218p1">
<span class="m_-5563058143238985218s1">How did we get here? Please help.</span></div>
<div class="m_-5563058143238985218p1">
<span class="m_-5563058143238985218s1">To Temple we race. I remember rain.</span></div>
<div class="m_-5563058143238985218p1">
<span class="m_-5563058143238985218s1">The backseat. Eyes closed; eyes staring.</span></div>
<div class="m_-5563058143238985218p1">
<span class="m_-5563058143238985218s1">Prayers, prayers pleading-- but knowing.<span class="m_-5563058143238985218Apple-converted-space"> </span></span></div>
<div class="m_-5563058143238985218p2">
<span class="m_-5563058143238985218s1"></span><br /></div>
<div class="m_-5563058143238985218p1">
<span class="m_-5563058143238985218s1">We arrive to more CPS. I am so sorry.</span></div>
<div class="m_-5563058143238985218p1">
<span class="m_-5563058143238985218s1">"Ma'am I have no choice; I am sorry."</span></div>
<div class="m_-5563058143238985218p1">
<span class="m_-5563058143238985218s1">Can you please tell me what happened?<span class="m_-5563058143238985218Apple-converted-space"> </span></span></div>
<div class="m_-5563058143238985218p1">
<span class="m_-5563058143238985218s1">I relate what happens. I am so sorry.</span></div>
<div class="m_-5563058143238985218p2">
<span class="m_-5563058143238985218s1"></span><br /></div>
<div class="m_-5563058143238985218p1">
<span class="m_-5563058143238985218s1">He's in a room.<span class="m_-5563058143238985218Apple-converted-space"> </span>Tubes, wires, beeps.</span></div>
<div class="m_-5563058143238985218p1">
<span class="m_-5563058143238985218s1">Can you please tell us what happened?<span class="m_-5563058143238985218Apple-converted-space"> </span></span></div>
<div class="m_-5563058143238985218p1">
<span class="m_-5563058143238985218s1">I relate what happens. I am so sorry.<span class="m_-5563058143238985218Apple-converted-space"> </span></span></div>
<div class="m_-5563058143238985218p1">
<span class="m_-5563058143238985218s1">You need to understand his situation.</span></div>
<div class="m_-5563058143238985218p2">
<span class="m_-5563058143238985218s1"></span><br /></div>
<div class="m_-5563058143238985218p1">
<span class="m_-5563058143238985218s1">He isn't going to make it.<span class="m_-5563058143238985218Apple-converted-space"> </span></span></div>
<div class="m_-5563058143238985218p1">
<span class="m_-5563058143238985218s1">If he does he won't be your Knox.</span></div>
<div class="m_-5563058143238985218p1">
<span class="m_-5563058143238985218s1">A vegetable if he makes it.</span></div>
<div class="m_-5563058143238985218p1">
<span class="m_-5563058143238985218s1">Lord be merciful to him, please.<span class="m_-5563058143238985218Apple-converted-space"> </span></span></div>
<div class="m_-5563058143238985218p2">
<span class="m_-5563058143238985218s1"></span><br /></div>
<div class="m_-5563058143238985218p1">
<span class="m_-5563058143238985218s1">A drowning is a head injury;</span></div>
<div class="m_-5563058143238985218p1">
<span class="m_-5563058143238985218s1">The brain swells; there is damage.</span></div>
<div class="m_-5563058143238985218p1">
<span class="m_-5563058143238985218s1">Water needs to get out of his lungs,</span></div>
<div class="m_-5563058143238985218p1">
<span class="m_-5563058143238985218s1">This is part of the respirator's job<span class="m_-5563058143238985218Apple-converted-space"> </span></span></div>
<div class="m_-5563058143238985218p2">
<span class="m_-5563058143238985218s1"></span><br /></div>
<div class="m_-5563058143238985218p1">
<span class="m_-5563058143238985218s1">So we wait for swelling to go down,</span></div>
<div class="m_-5563058143238985218p1">
<span class="m_-5563058143238985218s1">For water to leave the lungs.<span class="m_-5563058143238985218Apple-converted-space"> </span></span></div>
<div class="m_-5563058143238985218p1">
<span class="m_-5563058143238985218s1">People visit; take care of us,<span class="m_-5563058143238985218Apple-converted-space"> </span></span></div>
<div class="m_-5563058143238985218p1">
<span class="m_-5563058143238985218s1">They pray and hope; frightened<span class="m_-5563058143238985218Apple-converted-space"> </span></span></div>
<div class="m_-5563058143238985218p2">
<span class="m_-5563058143238985218s1"></span><br /></div>
<div class="m_-5563058143238985218p1">
<span class="m_-5563058143238985218s1">Doctors and nurses come and go<span class="m_-5563058143238985218Apple-converted-space">. </span></span></div>
<div class="m_-5563058143238985218p1">
<span class="m_-5563058143238985218s1">Can you please tell us what happened?</span></div>
<div class="m_-5563058143238985218p1">
<span class="m_-5563058143238985218s1">I relate what happened. I am so sorry.<span class="m_-5563058143238985218Apple-converted-space"> </span></span></div>
<div class="m_-5563058143238985218p1">
<span class="m_-5563058143238985218s1">They pray for him; love him.</span></div>
<div class="m_-5563058143238985218p2">
<span class="m_-5563058143238985218s1"></span><br /></div>
<div class="m_-5563058143238985218p1">
<span class="m_-5563058143238985218s1">My parents come. Their faces pained.</span></div>
<div class="m_-5563058143238985218p1">
<span class="m_-5563058143238985218s1">I should have watched him bette.r</span></div>
<div class="m_-5563058143238985218p1">
<span class="m_-5563058143238985218s1">I apologize and feel ashamed!</span></div>
<div class="m_-5563058143238985218p1">
<span class="m_-5563058143238985218s1">No. No. We are so sorry. We love him.<span class="m_-5563058143238985218Apple-converted-space"> </span></span></div>
<div class="m_-5563058143238985218p2">
<span class="m_-5563058143238985218s1"></span><br /></div>
<div class="m_-5563058143238985218p1">
<span class="m_-5563058143238985218s1">My kids at home with friends and family,<span class="m_-5563058143238985218Apple-converted-space"> </span></span></div>
<div class="m_-5563058143238985218p1">
<span class="m_-5563058143238985218s1">Questioned by CPS. Uncertain. Scared.</span></div>
<div class="m_-5563058143238985218p1">
<span class="m_-5563058143238985218s1">Where is our brother; will he return?</span></div>
<div class="m_-5563058143238985218p1">
<span class="m_-5563058143238985218s1">We should have watched out for him.</span></div>
<div class="m_-5563058143238985218p2">
<span class="m_-5563058143238985218s1"></span><br /></div>
<div class="m_-5563058143238985218p1">
<span class="m_-5563058143238985218s1">Church members praying together,<span class="m_-5563058143238985218Apple-converted-space"> </span></span></div>
<div class="m_-5563058143238985218p1">
<span class="m_-5563058143238985218s1">Disbelief that this could happen<span class="m_-5563058143238985218Apple-converted-space">! </span></span></div>
<div class="m_-5563058143238985218p1">
<span class="m_-5563058143238985218s1">What can we do to help?<span class="m_-5563058143238985218Apple-converted-space"> </span></span></div>
<div class="m_-5563058143238985218p1">
<span class="m_-5563058143238985218s1">Prayers all<span class="m_-5563058143238985218Apple-converted-space"> </span>around the world<span class="m_-5563058143238985218Apple-converted-space"> </span></span></div>
<div class="m_-5563058143238985218p2">
<span class="m_-5563058143238985218s1"></span><br /></div>
<div class="m_-5563058143238985218p1">
<span class="m_-5563058143238985218s1">For the little boy in the big bed<span class="m_-5563058143238985218Apple-converted-space"> </span></span></div>
<div class="m_-5563058143238985218p1">
<span class="m_-5563058143238985218s1">Or on the chair held by his mother<span class="m_-5563058143238985218Apple-converted-space">. </span></span></div>
<div class="m_-5563058143238985218p1">
<span class="m_-5563058143238985218s1">His body so heavy and hard to hold,</span></div>
<div class="m_-5563058143238985218p1">
<span class="m_-5563058143238985218s1">A metaphor for the situation<span class="m_-5563058143238985218Apple-converted-space"> </span></span></div>
<div class="m_-5563058143238985218p2">
<span class="m_-5563058143238985218s1"></span><br /></div>
<div class="m_-5563058143238985218p1">
<span class="m_-5563058143238985218s1">My friend rushes to the hospital,</span></div>
<div class="m_-5563058143238985218p1">
<span class="m_-5563058143238985218s1">Driving across states to be there.</span></div>
<div class="m_-5563058143238985218p1">
<span class="m_-5563058143238985218s1">By my side while I am by his side,</span></div>
<div class="m_-5563058143238985218p1">
<span class="m_-5563058143238985218s1">To weep, to question, to pray.</span></div>
<div class="m_-5563058143238985218p2">
<span class="m_-5563058143238985218s1"></span><br /></div>
<div class="m_-5563058143238985218p1">
<span class="m_-5563058143238985218s1">There is nothing anyone can do.</span></div>
<div class="m_-5563058143238985218p1">
<span class="m_-5563058143238985218s1">Beg for mercy-- however that can come,</span></div>
<div class="m_-5563058143238985218p1">
<span class="m_-5563058143238985218s1">Plead for peace and cry for comfort.</span></div>
<div class="m_-5563058143238985218p1">
<span class="m_-5563058143238985218s1">Sit with us; be with us; hope with us.<span class="m_-5563058143238985218Apple-converted-space"> </span></span></div>
<div class="m_-5563058143238985218p2">
<span class="m_-5563058143238985218s1"></span><br /></div>
<div class="m_-5563058143238985218p1">
<span class="m_-5563058143238985218s1">EEGs. Nothing. Nothing is there.</span></div>
<div class="m_-5563058143238985218p1">
<span class="m_-5563058143238985218s1">Confirmation of expectations.</span></div>
<div class="m_-5563058143238985218p1">
<span class="m_-5563058143238985218s1">Hard to hear, but already known.</span></div>
<div class="m_-5563058143238985218p1">
<span class="m_-5563058143238985218s1">But we wait some more; just in case.</span></div>
<div class="m_-5563058143238985218p2">
<span class="m_-5563058143238985218s1"></span><br /></div>
<div class="m_-5563058143238985218p1">
<span class="m_-5563058143238985218s1">Nurses care for him tenderly,<span class="m_-5563058143238985218Apple-converted-space"> </span></span></div>
<div class="m_-5563058143238985218p1">
<span class="m_-5563058143238985218s1">Speak to us with compassion.</span></div>
<div class="m_-5563058143238985218p1">
<span class="m_-5563058143238985218s1">Share their lives; are vulnerable,</span></div>
<div class="m_-5563058143238985218p1">
<span class="m_-5563058143238985218s1">Makes me feel safer; not so alone.</span></div>
<div class="m_-5563058143238985218p2">
<span class="m_-5563058143238985218s1"></span><br /></div>
<div class="m_-5563058143238985218p1">
<span class="m_-5563058143238985218s1">Sponge baths given tenderly<span class="m_-5563058143238985218Apple-converted-space">, </span></span></div>
<div class="m_-5563058143238985218p1">
<span class="m_-5563058143238985218s1">Johnson's baby lotion rubbed in.</span></div>
<div class="m_-5563058143238985218p1">
<span class="m_-5563058143238985218s1">Much love in each and every touch,</span></div>
<div class="m_-5563058143238985218p1">
<span class="m_-5563058143238985218s1">So little time left; much to treasure.<span class="m_-5563058143238985218Apple-converted-space"> </span></span></div>
<div class="m_-5563058143238985218p2">
<span class="m_-5563058143238985218s1"></span><br /></div>
<div class="m_-5563058143238985218p1">
<span class="m_-5563058143238985218s1">We rock in the chair; head under my chin,<span class="m_-5563058143238985218Apple-converted-space"> </span></span></div>
<div class="m_-5563058143238985218p1">
<span class="m_-5563058143238985218s1">Or sleep in the bed curled up with him,</span></div>
<div class="m_-5563058143238985218p1">
<span class="m_-5563058143238985218s1">Stroking his soft blonde hair over and over.<span class="m_-5563058143238985218Apple-converted-space"> </span></span></div>
<div class="m_-5563058143238985218p1">
<span class="m_-5563058143238985218s1">Always a Joy, Never a burden<span class="m_-5563058143238985218Apple-converted-space">. </span></span></div>
<div class="m_-5563058143238985218p2">
<span class="m_-5563058143238985218s1"></span><br /></div>
<div class="m_-5563058143238985218p1">
<span class="m_-5563058143238985218s1">Thank you Lord for this sweet boy,</span></div>
<div class="m_-5563058143238985218p1">
<span class="m_-5563058143238985218s1">The precious gift we didn't ask for.</span></div>
<div class="m_-5563058143238985218p1">
<span class="m_-5563058143238985218s1">But how we needed him; thankful!</span></div>
<div class="m_-5563058143238985218p1">
<span class="m_-5563058143238985218s1">He is loved so dearly by so many<span class="m_-5563058143238985218Apple-converted-space">. </span></span></div>
<div class="m_-5563058143238985218p2">
<span class="m_-5563058143238985218s1"></span><br /></div>
<div class="m_-5563058143238985218p1">
<span class="m_-5563058143238985218s1">His siblings come to see him<span class="m_-5563058143238985218Apple-converted-space">. </span></span></div>
<div class="m_-5563058143238985218p1">
<span class="m_-5563058143238985218s1">They climb in bed with him,<span class="m_-5563058143238985218Apple-converted-space"> </span></span></div>
<div class="m_-5563058143238985218p1">
<span class="m_-5563058143238985218s1">Hug him and love on him.</span></div>
<div class="m_-5563058143238985218p1">
<span class="m_-5563058143238985218s1">How do we tell them? It is not fair.</span></div>
<div class="m_-5563058143238985218p2">
<span class="m_-5563058143238985218s1"></span><br /></div>
<div class="m_-5563058143238985218p1">
<span class="m_-5563058143238985218s1">Have siblings ever loved each other</span></div>
<div class="m_-5563058143238985218p1">
<span class="m_-5563058143238985218s1">As well as these five have?</span></div>
<div class="m_-5563058143238985218p1">
<span class="m_-5563058143238985218s1">How will they say good-bye?</span></div>
<div class="m_-5563058143238985218p1">
<span class="m_-5563058143238985218s1">Their lives forever changed. It is not fair.</span></div>
<div class="m_-5563058143238985218p2">
<span class="m_-5563058143238985218s1"></span><br /></div>
<div class="m_-5563058143238985218p1">
<span class="m_-5563058143238985218s1">One final EEG. Still no signs of life.</span></div>
<div class="m_-5563058143238985218p1">
<span class="m_-5563058143238985218s1">Brain dead; a harsh reality.<span class="m_-5563058143238985218Apple-converted-space"> </span></span></div>
<div class="m_-5563058143238985218p1">
<span class="m_-5563058143238985218s1">One final day; so little time.</span></div>
<div class="m_-5563058143238985218p1">
<span class="m_-5563058143238985218s1">On last tender bath, savoring each touch.<span class="m_-5563058143238985218Apple-converted-space"> </span></span></div>
<div class="m_-5563058143238985218p2">
<span class="m_-5563058143238985218s1"></span><br /></div>
<div class="m_-5563058143238985218p1">
<span class="m_-5563058143238985218s1">Monday, April 23, 2007.<span class="m_-5563058143238985218Apple-converted-space"> </span></span></div>
<div class="m_-5563058143238985218p1">
<span class="m_-5563058143238985218s1">The longest day I have ever known.<span class="m_-5563058143238985218Apple-converted-space"> </span></span></div>
<div class="m_-5563058143238985218p1">
<span class="m_-5563058143238985218s1">Family all say goodbye. Head home.</span></div>
<div class="m_-5563058143238985218p1">
<span class="m_-5563058143238985218s1">Just Jon and I left-- to let him go.</span></div>
<div class="m_-5563058143238985218p2">
<span class="m_-5563058143238985218s1"></span><br /></div>
<div class="m_-5563058143238985218p1">
<span class="m_-5563058143238985218s1">7:00 P.M. It is time. No more tubes and wires.<span class="m_-5563058143238985218Apple-converted-space"> </span></span></div>
<div class="m_-5563058143238985218p1">
<span class="m_-5563058143238985218s1">I hold him in my lap. We rock.</span></div>
<div class="m_-5563058143238985218p1">
<span class="m_-5563058143238985218s1">I stroke his soft blonde hair over and over.</span></div>
<div class="m_-5563058143238985218p1">
<span class="m_-5563058143238985218s1">Always a joy. Never a burden.<span class="m_-5563058143238985218Apple-converted-space"> </span></span></div>
<div class="m_-5563058143238985218p2">
<span class="m_-5563058143238985218s1"></span><br /></div>
<div class="m_-5563058143238985218p1">
<span class="m_-5563058143238985218s1">I get so tired. I can hold him no more.</span></div>
<div class="m_-5563058143238985218p1">
<span class="m_-5563058143238985218s1">This makes me mad; I weep.</span></div>
<div class="m_-5563058143238985218p1">
<span class="m_-5563058143238985218s1">The nurse takes him; I climbed into bed.</span></div>
<div class="m_-5563058143238985218p1">
<span class="m_-5563058143238985218s1">She nestles him in my arms.</span></div>
<div class="m_-5563058143238985218p2">
<span class="m_-5563058143238985218s1"></span><br /></div>
<div class="m_-5563058143238985218p1">
<span class="m_-5563058143238985218s1">I drink him in. The smell, the feeling.</span></div>
<div class="m_-5563058143238985218p1">
<span class="m_-5563058143238985218s1">He is gasping for breath. Simply agony.</span></div>
<div class="m_-5563058143238985218p1">
<span class="m_-5563058143238985218s1">I stroke his soft blonde hair over and over.<span class="m_-5563058143238985218Apple-converted-space"> </span></span></div>
<div class="m_-5563058143238985218p1">
<span class="m_-5563058143238985218s1">Always a joy. Never a burden.<span class="m_-5563058143238985218Apple-converted-space"> </span></span></div>
<div class="m_-5563058143238985218p2">
<span class="m_-5563058143238985218s1"></span><br /></div>
<div class="m_-5563058143238985218p1">
<span class="m_-5563058143238985218s1">His breathing gets more labored.</span></div>
<div class="m_-5563058143238985218p1">
<span class="m_-5563058143238985218s1">He gets a shot for comfort.</span></div>
<div class="m_-5563058143238985218p1">
<span class="m_-5563058143238985218s1">His heart rate drops. Slower and slower.</span></div>
<div class="m_-5563058143238985218p1">
<span class="m_-5563058143238985218s1">His breath gets shorter. He is gone.</span></div>
<div class="m_-5563058143238985218p2">
<span class="m_-5563058143238985218s1"></span><br /></div>
<div class="m_-5563058143238985218p1">
<span class="m_-5563058143238985218s1">Three hours to die. It seems unfair;</span></div>
<div class="m_-5563058143238985218p1">
<span class="m_-5563058143238985218s1">I could have stroke his hair forever.</span></div>
<div class="m_-5563058143238985218p1">
<span class="m_-5563058143238985218s1">Always a joy, never a burden,</span></div>
<div class="m_-5563058143238985218p1">
<span class="m_-5563058143238985218s1">The precious gift; just what we needed.<span class="m_-5563058143238985218Apple-converted-space"> </span></span></div>
<div class="m_-5563058143238985218p2">
<span class="m_-5563058143238985218s1"></span><br /></div>
<div class="m_-5563058143238985218p1">
<span class="m_-5563058143238985218s1">We didn't linger; he was not there,</span></div>
<div class="m_-5563058143238985218p1">
<span class="m_-5563058143238985218s1">The body a mere shell; not a home.</span></div>
<div class="m_-5563058143238985218p1">
<span class="m_-5563058143238985218s1">Onward and upward heaven-bound,</span></div>
<div class="m_-5563058143238985218p1">
<span class="m_-5563058143238985218s1">Safe in the arms of Jesus now<span class="m_-5563058143238985218Apple-converted-space">. </span></span></div>
<div class="m_-5563058143238985218p2">
<span class="m_-5563058143238985218s1"></span><br /></div>
<div class="m_-5563058143238985218p1">
<span class="m_-5563058143238985218s1">Barely able to walk, we left his room<span class="m_-5563058143238985218Apple-converted-space"> </span></span></div>
<div class="m_-5563058143238985218p1">
<span class="m_-5563058143238985218s1">Into the waiting room full of elders.</span></div>
<div class="m_-5563058143238985218p1">
<span class="m_-5563058143238985218s1">Eye contact with a friend; horror there,</span></div>
<div class="m_-5563058143238985218p1">
<span class="m_-5563058143238985218s1">Like a mirror showing my distress.<span class="m_-5563058143238985218Apple-converted-space"> </span></span></div>
<div class="m_-5563058143238985218p2">
<span class="m_-5563058143238985218s1"></span><br /></div>
<div class="m_-5563058143238985218p1">
<span class="m_-5563058143238985218s1">So tired, spent. Held upright by others,</span></div>
<div class="m_-5563058143238985218p1">
<span class="m_-5563058143238985218s1">To the car, to the highway, to home.</span></div>
<div class="m_-5563058143238985218p1">
<span class="m_-5563058143238985218s1">Into the house, I am not ready.</span></div>
<div class="m_-5563058143238985218p1">
<span class="m_-5563058143238985218s1">I collapse in the couch near the door.<span class="m_-5563058143238985218Apple-converted-space"> </span></span></div>
<div class="m_-5563058143238985218p2">
<span class="m_-5563058143238985218s1"></span><br /></div>
<div class="m_-5563058143238985218p1">
<span class="m_-5563058143238985218s1">Morning comes. Can this house be home?</span></div>
<div class="m_-5563058143238985218p1">
<span class="m_-5563058143238985218s1">Four kids now and empty as though none.</span></div>
<div class="m_-5563058143238985218p1">
<span class="m_-5563058143238985218s1">Signs of him everywhere; pacis... toys--</span></div>
<div class="m_-5563058143238985218p1">
<span class="m_-5563058143238985218s1">But no him. No him. Cannot be home.</span></div>
<div class="m_-5563058143238985218p2">
<span class="m_-5563058143238985218s1"></span><br /></div>
<div class="m_-5563058143238985218p1">
<span class="m_-5563058143238985218s1">Still God is good. We know He is.</span></div>
<div class="m_-5563058143238985218p1">
<span class="m_-5563058143238985218s1">We must believe it; proclaim it.<span class="m_-5563058143238985218Apple-converted-space"> </span></span></div>
<div class="m_-5563058143238985218p1">
<span class="m_-5563058143238985218s1">Cling to it; know it, please God show us!</span></div>
<div class="m_-5563058143238985218p1">
<span class="m_-5563058143238985218s1">Always a joy; never a burden. Not now.</span></div>
<div class="m_-5563058143238985218p2">
<span class="m_-5563058143238985218s1"></span><br /></div>
<div class="m_-5563058143238985218p1">
<span class="m_-5563058143238985218s1">Go through the motions; hard things.</span></div>
<div class="m_-5563058143238985218p1">
<span class="m_-5563058143238985218s1">Caskets and cemetery plots; Babyland</span></div>
<div class="m_-5563058143238985218p1">
<span class="m_-5563058143238985218s1">All must be fair in babyland they say.</span></div>
<div class="m_-5563058143238985218p1">
<span class="m_-5563058143238985218s1">That's okay. This is not his home.</span></div>
<div class="m_-5563058143238985218p2">
<span class="m_-5563058143238985218s1"></span><br /></div>
<div class="m_-5563058143238985218p1">
<span class="m_-5563058143238985218s1">We worshiped; we wept. We sang.</span></div>
<div class="m_-5563058143238985218p1">
<span class="m_-5563058143238985218s1">We proclaimed God's goodness.</span></div>
<div class="m_-5563058143238985218p1">
<span class="m_-5563058143238985218s1">We put him in the ground. So cold.</span></div>
<div class="m_-5563058143238985218p1">
<span class="m_-5563058143238985218s1">We said our final goodbyes.</span></div>
<div class="m_-5563058143238985218p2">
<span class="m_-5563058143238985218s1"></span><br /></div>
<div class="m_-5563058143238985218p1">
<span class="m_-5563058143238985218s1">How do you do life when life departs?</span></div>
<div class="m_-5563058143238985218p1">
<span class="m_-5563058143238985218s1">I haven't the answer. God is good.</span></div>
<div class="m_-5563058143238985218p1">
<span class="m_-5563058143238985218s1">He gives grace and comfort;</span></div>
<div class="m_-5563058143238985218p1">
<span class="m_-5563058143238985218s1">He has patience and kindness.</span></div>
<div class="m_-5563058143238985218p2">
<span class="m_-5563058143238985218s1"></span><br /></div>
<div class="m_-5563058143238985218p1">
<span class="m_-5563058143238985218s1">Breathe in and breathe out.</span></div>
<div class="m_-5563058143238985218p1">
<span class="m_-5563058143238985218s1">The sun rises and the sun sets.</span></div>
<div class="m_-5563058143238985218p1">
<span class="m_-5563058143238985218s1">Time continues. You can't hold it back.</span></div>
<div class="m_-5563058143238985218p1">
<span class="m_-5563058143238985218s1">Life is still meant to be lived.</span></div>
<div class="m_-5563058143238985218p2">
<span class="m_-5563058143238985218s1"></span><br /></div>
<div class="m_-5563058143238985218p1">
<span class="m_-5563058143238985218s1">The phone rings. I hesitate.<span class="m_-5563058143238985218Apple-converted-space"> </span></span></div>
<div class="m_-5563058143238985218p1">
<span class="m_-5563058143238985218s1">It is the police. I inhale.</span></div>
<div class="m_-5563058143238985218p1">
<span class="m_-5563058143238985218s1">Investigation over. Case closed.<span class="m_-5563058143238985218Apple-converted-space"> </span></span></div>
<div class="m_-5563058143238985218p1">
<span class="m_-5563058143238985218s1">Ma'am, we want you to know,</span></div>
<div class="m_-5563058143238985218p2">
<span class="m_-5563058143238985218s1"></span><br /></div>
<div class="m_-5563058143238985218p1">
<span class="m_-5563058143238985218s1">We never thought anything but accident;<span class="m_-5563058143238985218Apple-converted-space"> </span></span></div>
<div class="m_-5563058143238985218p1">
<span class="m_-5563058143238985218s1">A tragic accident. We are so sorry.</span></div>
<div class="m_-5563058143238985218p1">
<span class="m_-5563058143238985218s1">I exhale. I sit. I weep. So sad.</span></div>
<div class="m_-5563058143238985218p1">
<span class="m_-5563058143238985218s1">Always a joy. Never a burden.</span></div>
Pilgrim Dayshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02477430833391246977noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-606178454067216496.post-16340709702596658712017-01-22T21:40:00.000-06:002017-01-22T21:40:06.655-06:00When All Feels Lost -- the joy in a sad story *warning...parts are raw and real if you don't want to read<br />
<br />
Something in this morning's sermon sparked this thought process. I listened to the sermon 3 times and couldn't find it so I can't really explain that other than it had to be in the part about the hard times often being good...along the lines of what Paul David Tripp calls Uncomfortable Grace. What I thought I heard was the idea of being completely exposed before God which sent my mind to the night of Knox's accident.<br />
I have never spoken of this publicly and I might change my mind later and delete; it is always hard to decide what to share and what not to share. The judgement house of people's minds is not a safe place and thus I tread carefully. The night Knox died I was a bit hysterical, and in particular, the moments between when I found him and a later point of time, I felt completely exposed, naked so to speak in front of God and everyone else, but particularly God. Being exposed that way in front of God felt safe, and in front of everyone else it felt like"just punishment" and a unique kind of experience where something intensely private is known about you, but it is out of your control...a defeated feeling. <br />
I really only want to talk about the spiritual moments though. I walked down my stairs to the living room because my friend was doing CPR and my crying and vocal prayers were scaring her daughter and I wanted her to be able to concentrate. As I prayed out loud, in that moment, I knew that I had nothing but God. His presence was intensely real and I knew that He was with me while I begged and pleaded for Knox's life. That memory and the intensity of His presence along with His reassurance that regardless of what happened I would not be abandoned and our family would come out the other side with some semblance of okayness is one of the things that helped me retain my faith through our ordeal.<br />
I felt so naked and exposed. I think being completely helpless makes one feel that way. But, I also felt very known. Though I begged and pleaded, I didn't need to; my heart was known. Though I felt His presence and reassurance, it was very uncomfortable. The word uncomfortable doesn't even begin to adequately express it. I didn't know for sure how it was going to pan out though I felt like He was saying "He isn't going to make it (which wasn't hard to imagine as the doctors pretty much gave us no hope), but this is passing through my hand, this is no surprise to me, and there will be much pain in the future but I am here." The pain, the horror, the intense sadness I can't begin to define was immeasurable, but so was God's presence. I am never going to be at a place where I am glad it happened(the idea seems absurd to me), but I am every grateful for the presence of God and the work He did in our family at the time. That feeling of closeness is hard to hold onto as time passes, not with the same intensity. I guess like in most situations, we want the best of both worlds, right?<br />
Many people sent us prayers and scriptures while Knox was in the hospital and I have those saved; they all meant a great deal to us. A lot of people sent the verse, Isaiah 43:2 <sup class="versenum"></sup>"When
thou passest through the waters, I will be with thee; and through the
rivers, they shall not overflow thee: when thou walkest through the
fire, thou shalt not be burned; neither shall the flame kindle upon
thee." I remember a friend telling me that she felt like God had given her that verse and it meant He would live and would be okay. Every time I read that verse what I read was "Knox was not and is not alone" (which did mean he was okay). One of the worst parts about having a child die in an accident is feeling like you should have prevented it. You should have known. You should have been there 1 min earlier. Then as a mom, you cry and scream in your soul that when he needed you most, you were not there. You think how scared they must have been and how they must have wanted you, but you weren't there. Those thoughts were eating me alive. When Knox passed through those waters, God was with him. When he passed through the fire, God was with him. From the time he was first formed in my womb, God knew his inner most being and could know him, and love him, and care for him so much better than I. I can't express the relief when my thinking could shift out of the despair of not being his comfort to gratefulness for God's care.<br />
Maybe to a non-believer this all seems crazy; I imagine it would. There have been times it has rocked my faith to the core. Those times when the "remembering" hits and I think, "Did this really happen?" and I have to question, and rightly so, why God allowed it. The almighty God who can do all things could have saved him. He could have diverted his attention so he didn't go upstairs, he could have prompted me to go ahead and put him in his highchair for supper, he could have had him rescued, but that isn't what happened. That isn't all of the story though because part of the "remembering" is also remembering the intensity of His presence, His assurance of "the working for good" even if that good isn't something we can see before heaven, the community of both believers and non-believers who reached out to us and walked this road with us and continue to do so.<br />
Honestly, I hope I never have another experience where I feel so exposed again. I know, however, that if I do I won't be alone no matter how lonely it feels,and will continue to tell myself, "Whate'er My God Ordains is Right."Pilgrim Dayshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02477430833391246977noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-606178454067216496.post-89873494430638651092014-09-24T01:39:00.000-05:002014-09-24T01:39:21.517-05:00Character "stuffs"<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Sometimes people have trivial dislikes and pet peeves. By sometimes people, I mean me. One of mine is clothing and shoes with characters on them. I have some weird hierarchy of dislike and peevishness in my mind. Disney princesses and children's cartoon characters are the worst. Disney characters like Mickey and Minnie and gang are okay unless Minnie is being all sultry (what in the world is that all about????) Superheroes are best if I like the colors and designs(not that far off from picking sports teams based on color and design of uniform).<br />
I used have a hard fast rule of no character anything. No clothes, no shoes, no backpacks. The only exception was unders and jammas. I still really don't care for them; I find most of them tacky, but something made me lighten up and relax over something so silly. A little boy named Knox had a certain <a href="http://knoxmemories.blogspot.com/2011/05/tractor-tipping.html">fascination with the movie "Cars."</a><br />
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<i>In the "Cars" watching zone. Totally checked out on life and I am sure drooling as a bonus. </i><br />
<br />
After he was gone, I'd see all sorts of Cars stuff, and I'd think about how much he'd love it and wish I could get it for him. As a result, I let it go (no pun intended and I still have not indulged JK in a princess shirt but it may happen...you never know). Yesterday, we were scouring the town for a size 13 pair of cleats for Creed for soccer and finally found one loan pair at Payless Shoes. They were having a b1g1 half off sale and lo and behold they also had these and I actually kind of think they are cook. Shhhhhhhh......<br />
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<br />
And I just had to get them...in memory of a little boy mesmerized by Cars that would probably now be infatuated with super heroes.<br />
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<br />
Elizabeth picked out his outfit; superhero shirt and superhero shoes. I apologize for all those whose pet peeve of mixing universes has now just been activated.<br />
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The smile on his face says it all. :-) <br />
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<br />Pilgrim Dayshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02477430833391246977noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-606178454067216496.post-70941106459712479292014-09-22T00:31:00.000-05:002017-03-26T19:38:10.393-05:00Some Sunday Thoughts During communion today, Jon was talking about how important the Sabbath is as a rest from our weekly struggles and what a provision it is to be able to take a step back from our struggles to come together in worship and communion.(this is very paraphrased I am sure) I was thinking how grateful I was for a church where our whole family can partake in this sabbath rest together. I love having my family in the pew beside me, and I have often marveled at how being in church seems like such a rest. Yes, there have been lot of times of wrestling babies and toddlers, and there are still some rough weeks of parenting in the pew. That may not seem restful and sometimes I'd be the first to agree it wasn't a restful service for me in particular and whatever child is disrupting the rest, but overall there is a tone of rest in our pew. There are no distractions; nothing competing for attention. The kids "usually" seems extra loving. There is a sense of peace and relaxation as we come to worship. I love that.<br />
It hit me as I was thinking about his words and savoring my own thoughts of being with my family and partaking of worship and sabbath rest together how much we need to do this together. After all, if this is a rest from the struggle of the week, we most certainly struggle together all week. One of the upsides or downsides, depending on how you look at it, of homeschooling is that we are together a lot...a whole lot...like almost all day everyday. We get each other at our best and our worst. We get each other when we seem to misspell every other word, when we can't find our workbook, when we can't figure out why in the world the letter "x" is a star player in math, when we really just want to read a library book instead of the current history book, when people are being too noisy, when toys are all over the floor, when Mr. Nobody is the most popular offender of all things. You get the picture. ;-) Sure it isn't all a struggle but there is plenty there and we are all in it together. It truly is one of the best and worst things of homeschooling.<br />
Worship together as a part of our sabbath rest is just what we need. We struggle together and we rest together. A truly glorious thing.<br />
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** I hate writing anything related to homeschoolers as there is always a fear too much will be read into it. I can only speak from my on personal circumstances. I can't imagine the weekly struggles of dropping off and picking up(right in the middle of nap time!!!!!!), making lunches, cleaning lunch boxes, dealing with homework when everyone is tired after a long day, and have mercy looking for shoes and socks at 7am! Non-homeschoolers, please enjoy and cherish your much needed sabbath rest with your family! Pilgrim Dayshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02477430833391246977noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-606178454067216496.post-14882483549144671882014-04-18T20:43:00.002-05:002014-04-18T20:43:53.932-05:00Some Spring PhotosElizabeth took the following pictures at the <a href="https://www.antiqueroseemporium.com/">Antique Rose Emporium</a>. Emma took the ones of Elizabeth.<br />
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Two-stepping.<br />
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Demonstration of pecking order.<br />
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Love his freckles. <br />
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Just a swangin'!<br />
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I'd love to live on a house on a hill. Can you imagine their view of fields of wildflowers?<br />
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Working on his kite. <br />
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Two of my lovely girls.<br />
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They love this swing!<br />
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And the last two are from this year's annual poppy photo shoot. They might be my favorite flowers. <br />
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<br />Pilgrim Dayshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02477430833391246977noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-606178454067216496.post-16035252495502138362014-04-13T18:02:00.000-05:002016-04-13T19:38:13.272-05:00Cuteness Only Gets You So Far<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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I have a good friend that over the years has always told me that my kids are cute; my response has almost always been,"Cuteness will only get you so far!" Especially, when they were being cute, but it wasn't necessarily a good thing!!! I titled this post this way because I am getting ready to tell you how cute Knox was and at least at first it might sound a tad shallow.<br />
I think most people think their kids are the cutest so I guess I am not really claiming anything much differently, but Knox was captivating. I am not sure exactly what it was. He probably looked like a pretty ordinary kid but there was something about him that turned heads wherever we went. If he wasn't in my arms, or holding my hand, he was often right ahead of me. He'd walk that way or run if he was allowed just a little ahead and then turn and flash a grin at me while checking to see if I was still right there. Where the girls practiced softball, there was a drive through the park where there wasn't really a road but the coaches would drive their cars with the equipment to the field. He loved to run down that road, stop and look back to see if I was coming, and then break into giggles when I came running after him.<br />
Maybe it was his clear blue eyes coupled with his shock of blonde hair that had never been cut that made him especially cute. When it was humid outside, his hair would curl just around the edges. He didn't say much in words; I don't really remember any more just what words he did say though I am sure he said some. I know he hadn't said "I love you" yet but his hugs and kisses said it for him. I remember Anne Michal saying after he died that she missed his hugs because they were the best hugs ever and if you were ever feeling sad, he always made you feel better.<br />
He was always a bright spot, always a joy. It wasn't just Anne Michal that felt that way. He had a way of parting all dark clouds and the sunshine come flooding in. It isn't exaggeration to say that at least once almost every day and probably more many days, I thanked God for giving him to us. I remember a friend once telling me after one of her sons were born that they had to adapt to him being a part of their family; he still felt like a newcomer. Knox seemed as though he had always been. He fit in seamlessly and was adored by everyone. He fit...just right.<br />
It wasn't necessarily easy the day in and day out life with 5 kids, the last 3 three and under. It was hectic, and busy teaching the oldest 2 school(and starting with Emma) and getting them to their few activities with the little people in tow. There were always naps and baths and meals. The house was a wreck and cheerios were always on the floor. (For some reason, all the kids all the way down to Jack, loved to feed him cheerios and they'd pour enough on his high chair for an army) I'd be lying if I didn't say that some days it got to me. Truthfully, though, most days it didn't matter. A glimpse of the group of them playing together and loving on each other made it all dull background noise. <br />
Someone made a comment to Jon not long ago that they didn't get it at first(but understand better now). They didn't get how we couldn't get past it. And I didn't "get" the comment. I asked what he meant. I thought we had done pretty well. We continued to function day in and day out. I didn't have PTSD; hadn't been committed to a mental institute(I am being serious for the most part!). We hadn't lost our faith and could proclaim the goodness of God. Perhaps though I understand what he meant; I remember being in the hospital with him when we realized that we were headed to taking him off life-support and giving myself a pep-talk like I often did when I had to do something I didn't want to do. I told myself, "You can do this. You can live without him. You didn't use to have him. You have lived without him before, and you can do it again." I was giving myself a peptalk because I knew it was going to be hard and was trying to convince myself it was doable.<br />
However, I had no idea how hard it was going to be. I had no idea how hard it was going to be to go back home, let alone live there. To walk in and see all his things; it was like constantly having the wind knocked out of me. You can't just get used to have an integral part of your life, a dear love, a joy, and even a work suddenly disappear. It would be like saying you could suddenly lose an arm and just bounce right back. The ache, the loneliness while still surrounded by people, the silence even amidst the noisy voices of children was all pretty maddening.<br />
Now, most of those things have faded to the background. It has been 7 years. He'd be 8 1/2 on the 27th and we'd be making half birthday cupcakes, a traditional that left us with him. The pain is more in the not knowing than what was though sometimes my arms still ache even though I know he'd be too big to tote around! I can even still feel him in my arms and smell his slobbery, little boy self. I watch Jack and Creed with the huge difference in their height take off down the street one after the other headed to "the pit" to explore and wonder what the 8 yr old Knox would look like between them. After all, they older four have grown and matured and we've added two more to the mix. What would that dynamic be like if he were still here? I imagine he'd love dirt, bugs, bones, and grossness every bit as much as the other boys despite the "prettiness" I remember. What would be his bent? Academics? Sports? What sort of kid would he be? Would he still be a mama's boy that could melt my heart with the flash of a grin? Probably ;-) I look at his pictures and he is so familiar, yet a stranger. He looks so young and unfinished; yet, his life is done and as Jon referred to in communion this morning, his sorrow is over and his joy complete, fulfilled. His pilgrim days are done.<br />
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<span style="font-family: "lucida grande";"><i>Haste thee on from grace to
glory,Armed by faith, and winged by prayer.Heaven’s eternal days before
thee,God’s own hand shall guide us there.Soon shall close thy earthly
mission,Soon shall pass thy pilgrim days,Hope shall change to glad
fruition,Faith to sight, and prayer to praise.</i></span><br />
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<br />Pilgrim Dayshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02477430833391246977noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-606178454067216496.post-64020868280047929052014-02-17T00:40:00.001-06:002014-02-17T00:40:50.101-06:00An Alternative to "This Too Shall pass" There was a point in my life where I'd have not given much thought to the phrase "This Too Shall Pass" but over the past several years, it has left a sting each time I hear it. I know how it generally is used and quite possibly have said it at some point in my life. We use it when someone talks about a child who won't sleep through the night or we don't think will every be toilet trained. We use it when someone has a hard class to get through. We use it when we are dreading going to get a cavity filled or even worse a root canal. Those are all things that do pass, but even still knowing the difficulty will come to an end doesn't always ease the discomfort or pain of the present.<br />
Then there are those things that don't pass. The grief of losing a child doesn't pass. Chronic illness doesn't pass. Infertility and the pain that comes with it doesn't pass. This too shall pass cannot always be applied to this lifetime. I am sure that I personally take it a bit too sensitively when I hear it spoken and often it is said in a flippant, just pull-up-your-bootstraps tone and believe me I am normally one of the most unsympathetic person around for normal things...just ask my kids. However, it is hard not to think of those things that shall not pass when I do hear it. My own voice echoes in my head, "No, it is never going to pass. Thanks for reminding me that my difficulties are not in the passing category." Then I chastise myself for a pity party.<br />
The reality is that there are things that will pass, but it often doesn't make it easier to go through. I remember having 4 small children and the many nights that all 4 would make a nightly appearance waking us from sleep. Knowing it was going to pass was some solace, but it sure didn't make us any less tired or help us to function from day to day or add any joy to our days. Then there is the reality of those things, some of which I mentioned before, that will never pass in this lifetime. "This too shall pass" seems like a taunting jeer, a bad joke oft repeated.<br />
What if instead of saying "This too shall pass" or wishing we could say it, we said, "You are not alone. You have the Everlasting Father, the Comforter, the Man of Sorrows, the Bright and Morning Star, the I Am, the Redeemer, the Prince of Peace and He will never leave you or forsake you. He is in the midst of this and you, you are in the palm of His hand. Look to Him; He is faithful."Pilgrim Dayshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02477430833391246977noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-606178454067216496.post-63038151034074428922014-01-26T22:46:00.002-06:002014-01-26T22:46:44.607-06:00Anne Michal Runs a Half-Marathon Sometime last summer, Anne Michal set a goal to run the BCS half -marathon in December. She trained throughout the fall with a number of running buddies. A big thank you goes out to all who ran with her and gave her rides home!! Thank you!!!<br />
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The banner over the finish line.<br />
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The freezing cheering section and some of her running buddies. <br />
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Our good friend Robin came into town to run it with her. <br />
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Heading to the finish line...they ran about a 10 min mile. <br />
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After the race with her medal and a well-deserved one (just in case you have read my thoughts on trophies and awards ;-)) <a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgBDU0tSOYH5sDDvQ87dS-Mm4W8eZEDhuPJr1xmdB-wVxNfx9oB9iLA-gDJepU7An8NG6zP8QL5vPcIpaTiDFny3kIi9_qI14iG5gKYtDv_biHRcVtqIYJ3hmuUEktcN_NO0QR1HlBw/s1600/IMG_0647.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgBDU0tSOYH5sDDvQ87dS-Mm4W8eZEDhuPJr1xmdB-wVxNfx9oB9iLA-gDJepU7An8NG6zP8QL5vPcIpaTiDFny3kIi9_qI14iG5gKYtDv_biHRcVtqIYJ3hmuUEktcN_NO0QR1HlBw/s1600/IMG_0647.jpg" height="300" width="400" /></a></div>
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With Robin after the race. They look like they could go again, right? I was so thankful for Robin coming and running it with her and super proud of Anne Michal for setting such a goal and following through with all the hard work it took. </div>
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Robin brought a cutie or two, or three or four along with her. :-) Fun times in the Anderson House!<br />
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Pilgrim Dayshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02477430833391246977noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-606178454067216496.post-54028938079180895152014-01-23T21:59:00.002-06:002014-01-23T21:59:23.666-06:00A Post Dedicated to Boys!!!!<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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They are always hungry which makes them always want to eat so they want to learn to cook!<br />
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Love surprises and surprising!<br />
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Get so excited they just can't take it!<br />
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Love their baby sisters!<br />
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Can leap tall bushes in a single bound!<br />
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Always need a haircut!<br />
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Love to play with bigger boys!<br />
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Love to create things that go!<br />
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Love to take risks!<br />
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Love to show their strength!<br />
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Say, "Hey Mom! Can you stitch him up with dark thread so he will look like he has a scar?"<br />
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Love legos!<br />
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Run into Gates!<br />
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Run into trees!!</div>
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and melt their mama's heart!Pilgrim Dayshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02477430833391246977noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-606178454067216496.post-58368017375766414352014-01-07T23:55:00.000-06:002014-01-07T23:55:38.532-06:00Janey Kate Turns Three! We are so thankful for this gal's 3 years of life. To say she is lively, is putting it mildly. Honestly, one of the best things about a 3 year old is how the every day life exudes joy. For example, just all of us sitting down to the dinner table, holding hands, and giving thanks makes her bounce up and down and giggle with glee. We could probably all take lessons from that. <br />
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One of the best things about having a large family is that everyone is good at something at love to use their gifts. Elizabeth loves to decorate and get things ready for a party. <br />
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Jack asked to make Janey Kate mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast. Creed was his assistant as usual. <br />
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So excited to be up for her birthday. First thing she asked was, "It my birthday yet?" When she got up from her nap she wanted to know if we had eaten her birthday cake. So funny.<br />
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Jack's pancakes are delicious.<br />
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With her presents. All her brothers and sisters got her a little something. Elizabeth decorated the packages with a minnie mouse theme. <br />
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She was so excited for presents!!!!<br />
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Don't judge the cake. ha! <br />
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Apparently, they needed to burn off the sugar!<br />
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Calming down and helping Anne Michal peel apples for pie.<br />
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<br />Pilgrim Dayshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02477430833391246977noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-606178454067216496.post-17049873167464590292013-12-26T09:36:00.001-06:002013-12-26T09:36:40.861-06:00May Your Days Be Merry and Bright Wishing you a Merry Christmas!!<br />
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Made by Liz...<br />
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Her cookie-making messines...<br />
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Christmas morning stockings... </div>
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Giving Thanks...<br />
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Christmas day hot cocoa floats with peppermint ice cream...<br />
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Disney peg dolls painted by Emma.<br />
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One of my favorite Christmas moments is Jon reading through cards given to us by family, friends, and church members. </div>
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Anne Michal and Elizabeth gave Jack "sausage" and queso. It made his day.</div>
<br />Pilgrim Dayshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02477430833391246977noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-606178454067216496.post-18511312241133404402013-12-18T22:06:00.001-06:002013-12-18T22:06:02.372-06:00Anne Michal's 16th Birthday Trip Post II We had a lot of fun spotting various murals and taking pictures with them so this post is simply those pictures. So fun!<br />
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irony at it's finest<br />
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for Peggy<br />
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<br />Pilgrim Dayshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02477430833391246977noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-606178454067216496.post-60364144118179088452013-10-17T00:54:00.000-05:002013-10-17T00:54:03.066-05:00Anne Michal's 16th birthday -- Post I Anne Michal turned 16 on the 16th of July. I wanted to take her on a fun little trip just the two of us so we headed to Austin to spend a night and a couple of days. On the agenda was to stand-up kayak, eat at food trucks, hit the capitol and Presidential library, maybe see campus, and take some pictures with murals. <br />
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Our first stop was Round Rock Donuts wehre we bought a couple small donuts...a blueberry cake for me and an apple fritter for her....and one of their giant donuts. The glaze really is orangish in color. It was pretty good though I think we only ate about an 1/8 of it!<br />
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Our next stop was Barton Springs in Zilcher Park where we rented Kayaks and headed out onto Towne Lake. She definitely was better at it than I was but I managed to stay on my feet until we came in to "land" and I hit a rock and fell backward into the water!!! It was way too hot and I needed a cooling off anyway!!!<br />
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Our next stop was to head to a taco food truck that was recommended by a friend. If I had blogged about this when I should have, put the name in the picture, or bothered to look it up I could tell you the name! It was kind of late for lunch and they were out of our first choice so we both got breakfast tacos, split and order of garlic fries, and mexican cokes. It was very good!<br />
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Random photo of horse in the middle of Austin. <br />
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This cracked me up for some reason! <br />
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Anne Michal in front of the capitol. Thanks to a high school friend (I grew up in KY) whose wife is the museum curator there, we got a great tour. We really enjoyed it and learned quite a bit. The air conditioning was nice too. ;-)</div>
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Looking up into the rotunda. Portraits of the former governors grace the walls.<br />
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Looking down on the Texas Seal.<br />
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Leaving the capitol and looking into the city.<br />
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Trailer park where we ate our second day's lunch. Neither of us could remember the name of the place but we had the best tacos ever. If we go back, we will find it again! We also bought fried oreos from a neighboring trailer called "Fried and True." They were surprisingly good!<br />
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The best taco ever. We still occasionally say, "I'd love one of those tacos!"<br />
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The guy that stole Anne Michal's sprite that she had set down so I could take her picture. <br />
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Looking out from the Lyndon Johnson Presidential Library.<br />
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We took so many pictures of murals those will have to be a separate post. We had such a good time; she is such good company and a joy to be around. I am very thankful we had this time together!Pilgrim Dayshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02477430833391246977noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-606178454067216496.post-92149050904311334282013-08-09T21:48:00.003-05:002013-08-09T21:48:09.403-05:00When Dad is awy, Mom will play.<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Stay tuned...Pilgrim Dayshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02477430833391246977noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-606178454067216496.post-62856957261862977202013-07-10T21:37:00.000-05:002013-07-10T21:37:00.747-05:00A Little Pattern Testing Photo Shoot I had the opportunity to test a pattern for Annaliese at <a href="http://www.aestheticnest.com/">The Aesthetic Nest</a>.<br />
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The pattern is called the Bateau Neck Top. The first version has a box pleat and faced neck. The second version is a basic boatneck tee. I really like how both turned out. The shorts she has on are from a pattern she already has for sale called the Flutter Top/Dress and Bloomers. They are my favorite shorts! You can buy the pattern<a href="http://www.etsy.com/listing/105309676/girls-pattern-bloomerscapris-and?ref=shop_home_active"> here.</a></div>
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<br />Pilgrim Dayshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02477430833391246977noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-606178454067216496.post-10271924443876822842013-07-01T23:42:00.002-05:002013-07-01T23:43:33.440-05:00Little Miss Daredevil Gets Acquainted with Grandma's Tree They just don't make trees like this in Texas, people.<br />
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Climbing a tree is a right of passage for a kid.<br />
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I climbed a tree like this one almost every day for 2 years. <br />
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I bet she thinks she can reach the clouds. <br />
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And to 'wing in a tree. That might be the best of all.Pilgrim Dayshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02477430833391246977noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-606178454067216496.post-9900299030135015112013-06-27T06:53:00.000-05:002017-03-26T19:35:30.436-05:00The Joy of a Sunday This past Sunday wasn't one of those stellar Sundays in the child behavior department though I wonder if the people that sit behind us ever think we have a stellar Sunday in that regard! We had to go out way too many times. Add in the things like Janey Kate grabbing my finger and trying to stick it up her nose leaving me shaking my head but trying not to laugh! But as always, it is a joy. Let me explain.<br />
Every day, all week long, she follows me around. She wants to be where I am and doing what I am doing. She is naturally curious and always learning by observing, repeating, and trying things out. She questions all I do wanting to know why I am doing what I am doing, what I am doing next, where I am going, and can she go to. She wants to help and participate. If I am in the kitchen, she is right there with her stool. If I am on my phone, she wants to talk too. If I go to the store, she wants to push the cart and pick out food. She loves to wear my shoes both literally and figuratively!<br />
Sunday is the best day. It is the day I have the best to offer. On Sunday, we go to worship the King and I don't have to---but I get to. I get to help her learn to worship. I get to let her be a part of a family that worships together. Just like the rest of the week, she is watching, learning, and imitating. Just like the rest of the week, there is work involved. It doesn't all miraculously fall into place just because we are in church. But maybe best of all, is that while it may seem like I am offering a lot of do's and don'ts (do be quiet, don't go out in the aisle,do sit down, don't jump on the pew), I am really saying a lot of yes's. There are no distractions and yes, she can participate. Yes, I am not too busy for you to be right on my lap. Yes, you can sing with me right now. Yes, we get to pray now. Yes, we get to listen to Pastor Wade or Daddy. I get to share all of it with her without reservation.<br />
Sundays are when she gets the best part. She gets the best part of me--relaxed, focused, and without the distractions of daily life. She gets the best part of our family as she learns to be a part of a family that worships the King. She gets the best part of the week spending part of her day with a body of believers. This, all of this and much more, is the joy of a Sunday.Pilgrim Dayshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02477430833391246977noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-606178454067216496.post-10130270310914504212013-06-13T22:41:00.000-05:002013-06-13T22:41:14.479-05:00Fishing and Shooting That has been a big part of the last couple of days.<br />
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These girls are tireless when it comes to shooting. They shot at targets, clay pigeons, and golf balls.<br />
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Loading her gun.<br />
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That is loud!<br />
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His target. This was his second time shooting.<br />
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Her golfball...<br />
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Jack, Liz, Creed and I built a lean-to.<br />
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Who needs toys when you have the woods. I wish I had gotten a picture of Creed letting a Granddaddy long-leg crawl all over him. Nothing creeps that kid out.<br />
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The campsite where Jack and PopPop are camping tonight.<br />
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The string of fish. Anne Michal and Creed caught the big one, an 18-in catfish.<br />
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More fishing...<br />
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<br />Pilgrim Dayshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02477430833391246977noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-606178454067216496.post-15748288323307627102013-06-09T23:06:00.000-05:002013-06-09T23:06:08.266-05:00Bernheim Forest A couple of days ago we visited Bernheim Forest which is outside of Louisville, KY. It was such an amazing place; I am sure we will be going back. We barely scratched the surface! It was so great to be outdoors surrounded by green, green, green everywhere!!! There were so many different trees and plants. The kids enjoyed exploring so much and Jack and Emma had a lot of fun identifying some different things they had learned in botany this year. (Hey! You know who! Botany is not boring! ;-)) <br />
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Walking on a trail...Janey Kate walked a really long way that day up and down hills.<br />
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We passed an area where different faere homes were built. The kids are ready to build their own now. <br />
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Creed said, "Take my picture by this little habitat. (Habitat is one of his favorite words)<br />
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Just because...<br />
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Some people shared some bread with us and we fed, geese, ducks, and turtles.<br />
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We explored the are around a neat little pond. This turtle was sunning itself.<br />
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One of several frogs we saw. God's design in camouflage is amazing.<br />
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We saw lots of lichen and moss. The forest was so damp compared to Texas. We were amazed at how wet(and cool) everything was and the wide variety of vegetation.<br />
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Mom! Mom! It is a squirrel barrow. We think he meant burrow.<br />
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See the moth?<br />
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We went into an educational center and they had this amazing beehive. I don't know if you can see the tube by the hand but that is how the bees fly in and out. <br />
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Walking across a model of the land in this region. The knobs region is the area of Kentucky that is characterized by a lot of hills the same size. If you look out across the countryside, you can clearly see rolling hills of the same size. It is my favorite region.<br />
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How Louisville bats are made.<br />
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They had all these pieces of woods for the kids to build with.<br />
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Creed, being very thoughtful and purposeful about what he was doing. I wish I had taken a picture of his finished product. He built a spider habitat and it was really neat and he explained what each part was.<br />
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We finished up with a picnic snack and play in this great children's play area. There was a playground but even better than that lots of different things to explore and rocks to climb on. If we lived near by, I'd take them there all the time, stretch out with a good book and let them play and explore. The grand finale was JK's first trip to an outhouse, but I have no photographic evidence of that!<br />
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<br />Pilgrim Dayshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02477430833391246977noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-606178454067216496.post-44616879178693612802013-05-23T16:57:00.000-05:002013-05-23T16:57:30.595-05:00Creed turns 5!<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Now that he is five he is all cool you know.<br />
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He has been just crazy about working with wood lately. He doesn't know it but he has a present that was delayed in getting here that is a montessori-type woodworkig tools with a drill and saw that really work along with a hammer and tape measure and a book of ideas. I can't wait until he gets it.<br />
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Blowing out his candles.<br />
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Showing off his birthday outfit. I happened to be testing a new pattern from <a href="http://www.peekaboopatternshop.com/">Peek-a-boo pattern shop </a>this week and made these shorts from the pattern called Coastal Craze Baggies. I love how they turned out and he loves them because they are soft and comfortable. I made the shirt(stenciled and painted) because he is always wanting a puppy and my facebook friends like to joke about #teamcreed that wants him to get a puppy. He was terribly happy to get a puppy on a shirt!<br />
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Showing off his mad jumping skills.<br />
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I could eat him up!<br />
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"Mom, help me be more stable. This isn't very stable."<br />
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Birthday goggles for a birthday boy going for a birthday swim.</div>
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He has been doing great this week learning to swim. </div>
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He was so worn out from the day that he fell asleep in the car at 6:30 dropping his sisters off at youth group. We were headed to Jack's baseball game but headed home instead to work on his new legos he got from Grandma.<br />
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<br />Pilgrim Dayshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02477430833391246977noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-606178454067216496.post-43893183291400271162013-04-17T21:22:00.001-05:002013-04-17T23:01:58.990-05:00A Crazy Amount of Pictures from the Antique Rose Emporium and Royers Cafe<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<br />Pilgrim Dayshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02477430833391246977noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-606178454067216496.post-17990848428592274102013-04-10T00:00:00.002-05:002013-04-10T00:00:29.821-05:00A Letter of Peace and Comfort Not long ago, a friend asked me a question regarding the loss of a child and heaven. I don't remember the specific question, and I didn't have an answer for her, but I shared the following letter with her. It was written by J. Knox Chamblin, a former professor at Reformed Theological Seminary, after the death of our son Matthew Knox. Our Knox was named for Knox Chamblin and the theologian John Knox so that alone made the letter precious to us. Knox Chamblin has since joined Matthew Knox in heaven. I was asked to share this on my blog and so I am! <br />
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Dear Jon and Rachel:<br />
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Ginger and I want you to know of or love for you, and of our prayers on your behalf since we learned of the death of your son Knox. I know we cannot enter fully into your present experience, for it is one we have not shared. But we are parents and granparents; and when I try to think how I would feel if one were suddenly to be taken from me, I can identify to some degree with your present grief and loss.<br />
<br />
I know that the ways of God are often impenetrable to our finite minds, and that many of our experiences in this life are very hard, or impossible, to understand. But I also know that the suffereings and sorrows of this life help to prepare us for the life to come, and that when Jesus returns he will grant to his people gorious resurrection bodies - bodies fit for life in the heavenly kingdom. Paul 'rejoiced in the hope of the glory of God,' even as he experienced affliction and sorrow. In fact, if I read Romans 5: 2-5 aright, it was especially his sufferings that caused his hope to grow.<br />
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In heaven we shall participate in 'the communion of saints' to a degree that we can now neither experience nor scarcely imagine. I believe that an integral part of that experience will be to help one another to grow in the knowlege of the Holy Trinity, and of ourselves. I believe also that you will meet your infant son in heaven, and that you will then come to know one another as you unable to do in this life. (Job would meet no less than 20 children in heaven - the ten he lost, and the ten that God gave him in their place.) I think it is also possible that in the heavenly glory you will both be granted by God the privilege of assisting him in the spiritual nurture of your son - just as you son will then be a channel of God's love to you.<br />
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May God grant to you his very own consolation. May he overwhelm you by his holy and merciful and gentle and mighty presence. may he pitch his tent beside you and hold you in his fatherly embrace. May he quieten you with his love, and rejoice over you with singing (Zephaniah 3:17). And may the Holy Spirit cause his fruit to ripen in your lives - especially peace and joy (Galatians 5:22). I thank God for your family, our times together at RTS, and your present place of service.<br />
<br />
Your brother in Christ,<br />
<br />
Knox Chamblin.Pilgrim Dayshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02477430833391246977noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-606178454067216496.post-46434334775703778452013-04-04T23:34:00.000-05:002013-04-04T23:34:19.032-05:00Janey Kate in the Poppies Janey Kate's second annual photo shoot in Miss Peggy's Poppies. I took tons of pictures and most of them are so Janey Kate. She was so busy checking everything out and talking to herself. Here are a few favorites.<br />
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This one cracked me up!<br />
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And can you believe that Peggy wanted to give her a chocolate chip cookie afterwards...in that dress!!!Pilgrim Dayshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02477430833391246977noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-606178454067216496.post-55282781433139353772013-03-31T21:54:00.002-05:002013-03-31T21:58:59.371-05:00Because of Today....Resurrection Day<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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This is has always been one of those pictures that kind of haunted me so I am pretty sure I have never posted it. It was taken Easter Sunday 2007 just 5 days before Knox's accident. He looks kind of sad and with longing eyes in this picture.<br />
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But I was thinking about this picture in church today. How he was on the outside looking in like he was one place but wanted to be another but couldn't quite get there. I've always thought of this picture as him being separated from us knowing that he wouldn't be longing to get to us so the picture seemed messed up. It seemed that the picture should be me out there looking longingly to where he was.<br />
As I listened to the sermon and was reminded once again(can we ever be reminded enough) of all that has been done for us through Jesus's death and resurrection, I was thinking about how Knox is no longer on the outside looking in. He has arrived. He is there. We got a taste of heaven today as we do each week in worship, but Knox has more than a taste. He isn't looking through a fingerprint stained window trying to see what is to come; he can see clearly and it is good!<br />
Like every week, I was humbled and blessed to worship with my family, to feast together, and join the saints that have gone before us to praise the Risen Savior. Pilgrim Dayshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02477430833391246977noreply@blogger.com0