I have been thinking lately about how life is different now than it used to be. The obvious would be the sorrow that I feel that I had never experienced before. There is no way to lose a child and be the same person ever again. What once was is no longer in so many different ways. I've talked often about seeing things through a different lens or perspective now; I often feel like that is ever changing as life continues.
I'd be lying if I said that I don't still feel a terrible sadness. It isn't always there but it tends to not go far away and returns easily. I really don't even wish that it would go away and never return. Maybe that is because I have seen how sadness and joy often intertwine though I often don't understand either. I'd also be lying if I said I don't still get angry, because I do. I still get mad he is gone and mad about how it happened and just mad in general. Fortunately, the shower wall doesn't have a hole in it yet. I do wish the anger would leave and never return.
What I don't think I expected was the gratitude that I sometimes feel. Here I am sad that he is gone and angry that he is never coming back, yet so very thankful. I am not thankful that he is gone or that this has happened to us; I don't ever see myself having that particular thankfulness. I do, however, feel a deep thankfulness for many things, many of which have come out of losing him. Some that are big and some that seem beyond ordinary that I would have taken for granted.
I am thankful that God has been faithful and steadfast; that just as He never left Knox he has never left us. No matter how sad or how angry I am; He does not change. There are many things I have not blogged about because they were either too personal or not my story to share, but when I look at the journey our family has traveled, I am thankful for how He has carried us and where He has brought us. It hasn't been easy and still isn't easy, but we aren't where we were, and I see Him working in every family member. I am also grateful that heaven no longer seems like some faraway place that I am not really anxious to get to because life seems to be here. No I am grateful that real life is there and this is just temporary. Jesus and the cross take on a whole new meaning.
Those are the big things, but there are also the little every day things that catch me by surprise that are still a part of His steadfastness...the warm sunshine, the hot sunshine, the wind blowing, all of creation for that matter, kids' smiles, smooth baby skin, wispy blonde hair, freshly-bathed children smell, dirty outdoor smell, helpful siblings, skipping boys, girls in flowing dresses, cars that run, a beautiful home to live in, precious friends, running water, indoor plumbing, being able to go buy advil for a sick child without having to balance the checkbook, being able to buy strawberries for a kid who wants them, being able to buy wholesome healthy food for my family, the knowledge to know how to feed them well...the list could go on and on. Sometimes I am moved practically to tears because I feel so provided for and cared for; better than I deserve. I know it probably seems really silly especially since I don't think I do a very good job of expressing thankfulness... At least, not in relation to how I feel.
This is the biggest thing I think that Knox has taught me: To not take for granted that which we have been given and to enjoy, treasure and live accordingly. I can honestly say, "I am blessed." Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows. James 1:17
To all my family and friends...I am incredibly grateful for all you do for us.
and incredibly thankful this master of the art of drool was and always will be a part of our family.
