At the End of the Day...

  From time to time I read articles or blog posts about how blogs and facebook aren't reality.  All you see is the good parts of people and those reading it are misled to think that you lead an idyllic life where nothing goes wrong and everything is peachy keen.
   I can't really be accused of this completely because I write about Knox and our grief and losing a child can hardly be included in the recipe for the perfect life, but I also realize that is probably the only area of my life that I write about that doesn't seem rosy. 
   There is a reason for that; a reason that goes beyond not airing my families sins in public or not wanting to weigh everyone down with negative posts and status updates. I don't do it because I want everyone to think we have it all together.  That would be crazy!!! Trust me!!!  I do it because my goal is to choose joy in my days and at the end of the day, it is the good moments I want to remember; I want to record the rights and not the wrongs.
   I want to remember Janey Kate's first cute little pigtails with the hairbows she picked out rather than the number of times she wet her pants, Creed drawing ice cream on a piece of paper and taping it up in a box to give to his Mimi for her birthday instead of throwing a fit over a green bean, Lizzy offering to walk Jack through making a cake rather than them arguing over the clean up, Emma working on her schoolwork diligently and getting done in a timely fashion than having to remind her to do her chores several times, and  Anne Michal doing a great job cleaning up the dining area aka school area aka craft area instead of complaining that no one helped her pick up.  (these may or may not be true events ;-) ) 
   It doesn't matter if I have a horrible, no good, I think I'll move to Australia kind of day, I can guarantee you that  at some point I have laughed even if it was because so many thing were going wrong it was ridiculous, smiled because I have seen something beautiful,  marveled at some provision from God, been amazed at something one of the kids have done, or have just had some peaceful moments amongst chaos.
 All those little things throughout the day that attempt to steal my joy are just that: little things.  Those don't compare to what I have been given which is much, much more than I deserve. So when it comes to the end of the day, I can't feel anything but blessed...blessed beyond measure.

Grief is Sneaky

   In many ways, I carry grief with me every day kind of like a ring on my finger.  It is there but not glaringly obvious.  I feel it, I wear it, but it doesn't overpower me.
   There are times I have come to expect the weight of grief to threaten to crush me....birthdays, his heavenly anniversary, Christmas, Easter, first day of school, milestones the other kids reach, but some times grief is sneaky and tiptoes in on the heels of other events.
   Today, just Janey Kate and I were home.  She seemed to be a bit under the weather, and I was fighting a migraine so the rest of the family had gone to a farewell party without us.  Janey Kate had been hanging close and sitting with me and cuddling on my lap which is rare for her, but would have been normal for Knox.  She got up and tripped over my feet and went flying into the side table.  She usually shakes it right off, but it must have been quite a fall. I picked her up and held her close.  She wrapped her legs around my waist, her arms around my neck and put her head in my chest sobbing her little heart out.  I comforted her and found my tears running down my face and threatening to soak her hair.  I cried for her pain and  my own pain as I found myself thinking I'd love to have been  able to comfort Knox; wishing I had rescued him and had been able to have his arms around me and his head on my chest as I calmed him; wishing I could have said, "He is fine.  It just scared him."

    While it is hard to explain and difficult for me to grasp, I again experience  joy  in sorrow.  I am so  thankful for Janey Kate's little life (and does she ever embrace life!) and the joy she brings even when she sparks flashbacks and how the feel of her body leaning up against mine reminds me both of what I don't have and  the good memories of him climbing on my lap breaking from his play for a kiss and a hug.

First Day of School Pictures

   A few pictures from our first day of school.  This is our 11th year homeschooling!
She is such a good sport!!!!

 Proving it!

 A little confused about how to read a book!  She picked our the bonnet to wear today.  She loves wearing anything dress-up.

 Monkeys are good at spelling.

 Dad helps out when he can on Mondays.

 He was so excited to get back at it!

 

But that doesn't mean there wasn't a minor meltdown or two.

  

P.S.  One of these days I'll finish blogging my summer pictures.

Proof is in the Pictures

or Grandma might not believe it....I declared the second half of 2012 as food training intensive.  I am not one to force a clean plate or insist that you eat everything, but I was pretty sure that Creed could manage to choke down a veggie or two a few times a week!!!  Jack has made some big strides from his "throw up everything I dont' like" days, but I want him to eat even better!  While he has eaten a few leaves as a side salad before he has never eaten a salad for a meal.  He gobbled this one down and declared it really good.

 Creed didn't eat all his, but even after picking out the bacon and the hard-boiled eggs did eat some lettuce, carrots and broccoli.  He even insisted on no dressing.  In true Creed form, he kept insisting this was not supper but was only lunch.  The rationale being that if it was only lunch then that meant he could hold out for something better to eat later.  I told him he could call it anything he wanted, but it was his last meal of the day.  He cracks me up!

Janey Kate is the rockstar baby who eats everything and thought salad for supper was grand.

Maybe all that olympic training worked up such an appetite that anything was delicious.

A Day at Barren River Lake

    Dad and Jack went camping at the Barren River Rod and Gun Club and we joined them the next day for lunch, fishing and canoeing.  We had a lot of fun, and I enjoyed being at the lake again.

 Dad and Creed cooking a hot dog over the fire.

 Elizabeth cooking hers.  Jack was so proud that he helped PopPop put up his tent and to be able to show us the way down the hill and through the woods to the lake.

 Creed was so excited for his first canoe ride but he was a bit nervous too.  He got so tired later in the day that he almost fell asleep riding with Jack and me.

 Anne Michal and Elizabeth in their canoe.  I told them to stay close to shore and the next thing  I know they are halfway across the lake.  The paddled all the way across the lake and back.  When I asked Anne Michal why they didn't stay close to shore she said, "We did!  We could see the shore the whole time."  Obviously, I needed to define what close to shore was.

 Our young friend Trent fishing.  He wanted PopPop to show him how to clean fish so he could do his own.  Both Elizabeth and he cleaned several fish themselves.  I was rather impressed!!

 Paddling Emma and her friend, Taylor around the lake.

 Creed finding ways to entertain himself.

 Jack looking out over the lake.

 One of the fish.

 Anne Michal fishing.

 Creed playing on the rocks.

 Grandma helping Emma.

 Elizabeth being casual.

Creed was so incredibly excited for his first time fishing! :-)

 Beverly kept us connected to the outside world! ;-)

 PopPop teaching Elizabeth to clean the fish.

I am pretty certain this qualifes as rockstar status!

Louisville Zoo

First up were my favorite animals the giraffes.

The younger 4 enjoyed the petting zoo.

It was a real battle to get Janey Kate to only touch their backs.

Look at Emma's dress.  We had to take a picture with the vw van.

We walked around the corner and saw this guy and Creed took off running the other way.

The best exhibit was the polar bear.  He has a stick in his mouth;  he would dive down in the water and put the stick in a crevice in a rock and then swim back up.  A few seconds later, he'd come diving back down and pull it out and take it back up.  He did this over and over again.  I talked with a college student that was doing research, and she said it was a game he played.  She said the other polar bears would sometimes take it out and not put it back so the first thing this bear would do when he went in the water was to  check and make sure a stick was in there.  If it wasn't, he'd go find one and put it there.  We watched for a long time.  So amazing that an animal that massive could swim back to the top of the water.

The Louiville zoo is a lot of walking and a lot of hills.  3/4 of the way through Janey Kate shared the stroller with Creed and moved to Elizabeth's back.

We had a bit of adventure when we visited the Jaguar.  One of the kids noticed 3 dollars on the ground between the railing and the cage.  Anne Michal wanted to climb over and get it.  That suggestion didn't quite fly with me.

So then we tried to get Jack to let  Anne Michal and me hang him upside, but for some reason he didn't quite trust us.  We were trying to figure out what we could do when a gentleman, his wife, and granddaughter walked up.

He tried to help us and then offered to hang Jack upside down.  Jack said that would be ok.  I said, "You mean you trust a complete stranger over your own family!!!!!"  He told me he'd rather a male do it.  :-)  So then the man suggested that the two of us do it.

He managed to collect the money and we reeled him back in.  Notice how close he was to the Jaguar.  We told the man we were doing it more for the adventure than the three dollars and he agreed that he'd have a story to tell!

They always want a snake picture of their Aunt Melissa.

We loved this guy too.  He was right up close in our faces(behind glass) and had the longest eyelashes.  He kept moving his eyes back and forth watching everyone.