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| Knox--Dec2006 |
Showing posts with label grief. Show all posts
Showing posts with label grief. Show all posts
Wednesday, December 7, 2011
Sunday, August 28, 2011
Just Because...
you have been on our minds so much...
and I can still hardly believe that I can't just reach right over and swing you up into my arms even though you'd be too heavy now...
because I miss looking into that face that knew so much but said so little...it is a long wait for an "I love you"
I thought of you while Jack and Creed were snuggled up on the couch watching TV and Janey Kate in just her diaper crawling all over them; for a brief moment, I could almost see you there too.
while it seems like you are on the outside looking in, I guess it is really the other way around and we are on the outside with barely a glimpse of your joy...
Let us praise and join the chorus
Of the saints enthroned on high
Here they trusted Him before us
Now their praises fill the sky
Thou hast washed us with Thy blood
Thou hast washed us with Thy blood
Thou hast washed us with Thy blood
Thou art worthy Lamb of God
Tuesday, August 23, 2011
Things to Remember
Creed saying grace for supper tonight...
Thank you for Knox and for having him in heaven with you.
Creed sitting beside me at supper and looking over at me to ask, "What is for lunch?" Knowing that he uses the words for all meals of the day interchangeably, I answer, "This is your lunch." He says, "Oh, well, thanks for lunch , Mom!" (he didn't like it, btw)
Emma heading to the shower with Creed by her side says to him with a sigh, "I love you Creed..."
and from this morning to remember for all those hard days of homeschooling that may come our way(like today)...
Thursday, August 11, 2011
Sneaky Little Joy Thief
Just another little name for grief when you don't really even realize it is there. I feel like I should be an expert at this by now, but even to me, grief is this nebulous foreign sounding word. I should know the rhythm of it in my life and there are some certainties...birthdays, holidays, homegoing. It doesn't take much to realize those are times that it is going to hit hard.
But there are times, like the last couple of days, where I feel like I have cried buckets when in reality I have only wiped away a tear or two. I wonder and question just where it is coming from. Ahhh...yes, the unexpected surfacing of grief over something that seems like it would be no big deal.
I have been working on my homeschool plans for the upcoming year. The last day or two I have been going through our core curriculum and getting together book lists, seeing what the library has, what we own, and what we need to buy and scheduling it out. Our curriculum has 4 levels. Anne Michal is in the highest level, Elizabeth in the second, and Jack and Emma in the third. Knox would be in the lowest level...or at least I think. I can't know because I don't know him. Not as an almost 6 year old.
He would be turning 6 this year, PEOPLE, 6! (in my best teacher voice!) This is unfathomable to me. 6. Would he be reading up a storm? or would I be pulling my hair out? Would he be considered a big kid or lumped with Creed and Janey Kate as one of the littles? I keep wondering why if all my kids have the Jon Anderson look-a-like genes, why they don't have the Jon Anderson organization neat-nick genes. I bet he would. Every family this big has to have one right? Maybe he'd be the one keeping everything in order and putting it all back in its place. Maybe he'd always know right where his pencil was and never lose his shoes. I do know he'd have one of the best grins because he already had that and I bet he'd always keep us smiling.
So there you have it. Who know planning school could be such a teary event? I probably shouldn't have been so surprised as I bet if I looked in my archives I blogged about this last year; I guess I better just add the start of school into the regular rhythm of grief and maybe it won't catch me quite so off guard next year.
We sure do miss that sweet boy of ours. Always a joy...always a joy.
But there are times, like the last couple of days, where I feel like I have cried buckets when in reality I have only wiped away a tear or two. I wonder and question just where it is coming from. Ahhh...yes, the unexpected surfacing of grief over something that seems like it would be no big deal.
I have been working on my homeschool plans for the upcoming year. The last day or two I have been going through our core curriculum and getting together book lists, seeing what the library has, what we own, and what we need to buy and scheduling it out. Our curriculum has 4 levels. Anne Michal is in the highest level, Elizabeth in the second, and Jack and Emma in the third. Knox would be in the lowest level...or at least I think. I can't know because I don't know him. Not as an almost 6 year old.
He would be turning 6 this year, PEOPLE, 6! (in my best teacher voice!) This is unfathomable to me. 6. Would he be reading up a storm? or would I be pulling my hair out? Would he be considered a big kid or lumped with Creed and Janey Kate as one of the littles? I keep wondering why if all my kids have the Jon Anderson look-a-like genes, why they don't have the Jon Anderson organization neat-nick genes. I bet he would. Every family this big has to have one right? Maybe he'd be the one keeping everything in order and putting it all back in its place. Maybe he'd always know right where his pencil was and never lose his shoes. I do know he'd have one of the best grins because he already had that and I bet he'd always keep us smiling.
So there you have it. Who know planning school could be such a teary event? I probably shouldn't have been so surprised as I bet if I looked in my archives I blogged about this last year; I guess I better just add the start of school into the regular rhythm of grief and maybe it won't catch me quite so off guard next year.
We sure do miss that sweet boy of ours. Always a joy...always a joy.
Saturday, July 2, 2011
Just Fits
One of the things I have often thought about since Janey Kate was born, is how my kids always seem to "just fit."
Newborns, all curled up, just fit all snug and warm on my chest.
They grow a bit and start to stretch out and yet, they still just fit.
They start to sit up and ride on my hip and they just fit.
They become toddlers and run around but they crawl up on my lap and that little head still just fits right below the chin.
Next thing you know, they are getting busier and busier but they curl up beside you and tuck in that head and they just fit as they listen to a story.
Taller and taller they grow, but they walk up for a hug and their head still just fits right between the shoulder and your neck...
but yesterday, yesterday, my Lizzy stands in front of me and what do I find...she no longer fits...not even tucked under my nose....
I was out walking tonight and had my ipod on shuffle and Home by Nicol Sponberg came on. I have thought about the line "What is it like to sleep on the chest of the King of heaven and earth" quite a bit while holding Janey Kate curled up on my chest and been comforted by the thought of Knox curled up on the Father's chest and knowing there is no better place. Tonight, though, it hit me. We always fit. We always fit right there on the Father's chest where we find grace, hope, truth, comfort, and eternal life. We can't grow too tall. We can't move too far away. We can't become too independent. We always "just fit."
Newborns, all curled up, just fit all snug and warm on my chest.
They grow a bit and start to stretch out and yet, they still just fit.
They start to sit up and ride on my hip and they just fit.
They become toddlers and run around but they crawl up on my lap and that little head still just fits right below the chin.
Next thing you know, they are getting busier and busier but they curl up beside you and tuck in that head and they just fit as they listen to a story.
Taller and taller they grow, but they walk up for a hug and their head still just fits right between the shoulder and your neck...
but yesterday, yesterday, my Lizzy stands in front of me and what do I find...she no longer fits...not even tucked under my nose....
I was out walking tonight and had my ipod on shuffle and Home by Nicol Sponberg came on. I have thought about the line "What is it like to sleep on the chest of the King of heaven and earth" quite a bit while holding Janey Kate curled up on my chest and been comforted by the thought of Knox curled up on the Father's chest and knowing there is no better place. Tonight, though, it hit me. We always fit. We always fit right there on the Father's chest where we find grace, hope, truth, comfort, and eternal life. We can't grow too tall. We can't move too far away. We can't become too independent. We always "just fit."
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
Sunday, March 13, 2011
Monday, January 31, 2011
1000 Gifts
bA book Review of 1000 Gifts: A Dare to Live Fully Right Where You Are by Ann Voskamp.
This is a hard book review to write because there are so many things I could say about this book and so many lines, paragraphs, and sections I could quote. If you aren't familiar with this book, you may be familiar with Ann Voskamp, the writer of the blog Holy Experience which is one of the blogs on my sidebar and one I know I have linked to from time to time.
I hesitate to even talk about what first drew me to this book because I don't want anyone to think you need to have gone through an experience like mine to read this book because that would be far from the truth, but I am going to tell you as a preface to the review.
I don't always read Ann's blog. She almost always has things that are good for me to hear and helpful and her words always seem to have a soothing effect on my soul, but at times I rebel from those things for whatever reason, but not long ago I started reading her blog after a hiatus and discovered she had written a book and there was a link to a review on Angie Smith's blog. I don't know Angie but I know we share a commonality in the loss of a child and I clicked over there to check it out. Angie said, "Years ago I sent her an email saying I adored her, assuming she had no idea who I was. Little did I know that she did know my story and could relate to it in a horrific way." That, of course, intrigued me and I had to follow the link to read the first chapter of the book which is here.
In that first chapter, she relates the death of her little sister, who was run over by a vehicle. Ann was 4 at the time. She gives details of the time and my heart beats fast with the knowledge of what that must have been like and I relate, not to Ann so much, but to her mother. But in Ann, I see my children and I wonder as I often do, what it is like for them, those things inside I cannot see; those things they cannot tell me because they have no words to do them justice. I wonder just what they will carry with them as they grow up, and how it will help shape them as to who they will be.
Ann talks of how her memories start at this time, but how none of her family really know how to fully live. Among other questions, Ann sets out to answer "How do I wake up to joy and grace and beauty and all that is the fullest life when I must stay numb to losses and crushed dreams and all that empties me out?" That is what drew me in.
We don't all have losses or at least not ones like mine, but most have crushed dreams and things that empty them out. Things that make us weary or discontent where we find ourselves wading through each day or rehashing those events that rob us of joy.
The title says "1000 Gifts: A Dare to Live Fully." A friend dared her to make a list of 1000 things that she was thankful for so she began a journal listing those things. She carried it around and kept it handy to write down things as she saw them, experienced, them or thought of them. What she found was a transformation was taking place in the giving of thanks in all things. In the dreariest of days, there were things to be thankful. In the days of remembering the accident, there were things to be thankful. In the days when nothing goes right, there are things to be thankful. In doing this, this giving of thanks, she discovered joy.
Ann reveals herself in this book and lets us know her. We know her sorrow, her fears, her difficulties and the day in and day out things that wear her down. She is real, authentic, a person not unlike you and me and that daily needs to be reminded of God's goodness and the need to be in communion with Him. The first item on my 1000 gifts list is "The book 1000 gifts." Read it; let me know what you think and consider all the those things for which we are thankful.
Lastly, a few(a very few of many) of my highlights of the book.
"..I wake to the discontent of life in my skin. I wake to the self-hatred. To the wrestle to get it all done, the relentless anxiety that I am failing. Always, the failing. I yell at the children, fester with bitterness, forget doctor appointments, lose library books, live selfishly, skip prayer, complain, go to bed too late, neglect cleaning the toilet.s. I live tired. Afraid. Anxious. Weary. Years, I feel it in the veins, the pulsing of ruptured hopes."
"On the night when he was betrayed, the Lord Jesus took some bread and gave thanks to God for it...Jesus offers thanksgiving for even that which will break him and crush Him and would Him and yield a bounty of joy."
"Until Home and Promised Land and complete clarity, I'm a wanderer crossing bridges, wanderer eating manna, eating mystery. For really, as long as I live, travel, is there ever anything else to eat? I either take the "what is it?" manna with thanks, eat the mystery of the moment with trust, and nourished another day---or refuse it...and die. Jesus calls me to surrender and there's nothing like releasing fears and falling into peace...There is no joy without trust!"
This is a hard book review to write because there are so many things I could say about this book and so many lines, paragraphs, and sections I could quote. If you aren't familiar with this book, you may be familiar with Ann Voskamp, the writer of the blog Holy Experience which is one of the blogs on my sidebar and one I know I have linked to from time to time.
I hesitate to even talk about what first drew me to this book because I don't want anyone to think you need to have gone through an experience like mine to read this book because that would be far from the truth, but I am going to tell you as a preface to the review.
I don't always read Ann's blog. She almost always has things that are good for me to hear and helpful and her words always seem to have a soothing effect on my soul, but at times I rebel from those things for whatever reason, but not long ago I started reading her blog after a hiatus and discovered she had written a book and there was a link to a review on Angie Smith's blog. I don't know Angie but I know we share a commonality in the loss of a child and I clicked over there to check it out. Angie said, "Years ago I sent her an email saying I adored her, assuming she had no idea who I was. Little did I know that she did know my story and could relate to it in a horrific way." That, of course, intrigued me and I had to follow the link to read the first chapter of the book which is here.
In that first chapter, she relates the death of her little sister, who was run over by a vehicle. Ann was 4 at the time. She gives details of the time and my heart beats fast with the knowledge of what that must have been like and I relate, not to Ann so much, but to her mother. But in Ann, I see my children and I wonder as I often do, what it is like for them, those things inside I cannot see; those things they cannot tell me because they have no words to do them justice. I wonder just what they will carry with them as they grow up, and how it will help shape them as to who they will be.
Ann talks of how her memories start at this time, but how none of her family really know how to fully live. Among other questions, Ann sets out to answer "How do I wake up to joy and grace and beauty and all that is the fullest life when I must stay numb to losses and crushed dreams and all that empties me out?" That is what drew me in.
We don't all have losses or at least not ones like mine, but most have crushed dreams and things that empty them out. Things that make us weary or discontent where we find ourselves wading through each day or rehashing those events that rob us of joy.
The title says "1000 Gifts: A Dare to Live Fully." A friend dared her to make a list of 1000 things that she was thankful for so she began a journal listing those things. She carried it around and kept it handy to write down things as she saw them, experienced, them or thought of them. What she found was a transformation was taking place in the giving of thanks in all things. In the dreariest of days, there were things to be thankful. In the days of remembering the accident, there were things to be thankful. In the days when nothing goes right, there are things to be thankful. In doing this, this giving of thanks, she discovered joy.
Ann reveals herself in this book and lets us know her. We know her sorrow, her fears, her difficulties and the day in and day out things that wear her down. She is real, authentic, a person not unlike you and me and that daily needs to be reminded of God's goodness and the need to be in communion with Him. The first item on my 1000 gifts list is "The book 1000 gifts." Read it; let me know what you think and consider all the those things for which we are thankful.
Lastly, a few(a very few of many) of my highlights of the book.
"..I wake to the discontent of life in my skin. I wake to the self-hatred. To the wrestle to get it all done, the relentless anxiety that I am failing. Always, the failing. I yell at the children, fester with bitterness, forget doctor appointments, lose library books, live selfishly, skip prayer, complain, go to bed too late, neglect cleaning the toilet.s. I live tired. Afraid. Anxious. Weary. Years, I feel it in the veins, the pulsing of ruptured hopes."
"On the night when he was betrayed, the Lord Jesus took some bread and gave thanks to God for it...Jesus offers thanksgiving for even that which will break him and crush Him and would Him and yield a bounty of joy."
"Until Home and Promised Land and complete clarity, I'm a wanderer crossing bridges, wanderer eating manna, eating mystery. For really, as long as I live, travel, is there ever anything else to eat? I either take the "what is it?" manna with thanks, eat the mystery of the moment with trust, and nourished another day---or refuse it...and die. Jesus calls me to surrender and there's nothing like releasing fears and falling into peace...There is no joy without trust!"
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
Thursday, October 21, 2010
Some October Sewing Therapy
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