We only had Knox with us for one birthday. Since he has gone before us, we have weathered his 2nd, 3rd, and 4th birthdays. Wednesday will his 5th birthday. When I look back, I know it has gotten easier, but maybe easier isn't even the right word. Different might be a better word.
Regardless, I find myself having certain expectations for myself, like being able to follow our traditions but not be as sad. I find myself thinking that I should be able to focus more on the good memories and not the bad ones, but really in October and April especially the bad memories hover like dark clouds before a storm.
I was thinking this through yesterday and realizing that, however I feel is okay. As Jon has said before there is no rule book for this sort of thing. While his birthday is a time to rejoice because he was and is undeniably a great blessing to us, it is a time to mourn as we wish we could have known his as a 2 y r old, a 3 yr old, and a 4 yr old. And I fervently wish I could know him as a 5 yr old. Yes it is a time to mourn, and that is OK.
If I wake up Wednesday morning and long to lay in bed,crying all day, and eating chocolate, there is no shame or wrong in it. While practically that can't play out and may be only what I feel like doing and not what I actually do, his birthday is definitely a day set aside for remembering and mourning. We will remember his big blue eyes, his soft blond hair, his smiles, his love of books and trains, his hugs, his laughter, his love of his siblings. All those things will make us smile, but they'll also make us cry as we wish we could continue sharing all those things with him rather than only holding onto memories that move farther and farther from reality.
