Memories

I was watching the movie Cranford today. I have seen a number of times before though I am usually up and down and doing other things at the same time so each time I watch it I catch new things. There is a part of the movie where an older lady, Miss Matty, is looking through some old letters and sharing about her family and her past with her younger friend, Miss Mary. Miss Matty seems a bit troubled and Miss Mary asks her, "Do the letters grieve you, Miss Matty?" She answers, "No, it isn't the letters that grieve me; it is the memories. They fly up just as I think I have them pinned down."
Hmmmm...I can relate. It isn't that you forget the memories. You never forget, but they aren't always right there and there are too many to always have all your memories in the forefront of your mind. Different thing spark different memories...experiences, conversations, books, movies, dreams, pictures...the emotions with those memories return as well and sometimes you have to process them all over.
It reminded me of a couple of things. It reminded me of the retreat we went on for couples who lost children and how while it was a great retreat and very rewarding and worthwhile, things flew up that I thought I had pinned down. I thought of and related things I hadn't thought of in a while and a few things that I had "forgotten" requiring that I deal with some things all over again or realize I never dealt with them in the first place, but like I read somewhere else, "you have to go into the sorrow in order to come out on the other side."
The other instance was last week. I was cleaning out my desk and doing some reorganization and I came across a ziploc with some photos. The top photo was upside down so I couldn't tell immediately what the pictures were and I flipped the top one over to see pictures of Knox from the hospital like this picture and this one. Immediately, with tears streaming down my face, I was there again. I could smell the hospital and the tape holding the tubes. I could feel his soft skin and his silky hair. I could hear the hum of the machines and the beeps of the monitors. I could walk myself back through those days of hoping but knowing and of loving but leaving.
The memories never stay pinned down; they fly up sometimes when you expect it and sometimes when you don't expect it, but it is true that when you enter the sorrow you come out the other side which is what I remind myself when those memories comes flying up and the grief and sorrow threatens to engulf me. God always carries me through and I always come out the other side.