Saturday, April 14, 2012

Redeeming the Day

This actually isn't about redeeming the day, but rather about not redeeming the day. I have had people tell me that I should do something to redeem April 13th and especially Friday, April 13th.  I can only assume the thought is  to change the bad memories over to good memories so I have good connections to this day rather than just the day my son nearly drowned. There is a problem, however. I don't want to redeem this day. I hate everything that happened that day and I miss him desperately. I have no desire to forget or to mark this day as anything other than his day. It is already difficult enough to have the freedom to mourn. A friend posted this link on facebook about grief being determined to be a mental illness after a mere two months. It used to be a year and now they want to change it to two weeks. It has been 5 years, and while I don't feel the oppression of grief it is often still a daily companion, and I really cannot imagine life any other way.
    God's given me the grace to live day to day and do the things I am called to do. I often do it poorly, but He continues to carry me through. I still grieve, but it tends to be in a quiet way often in the dark of the night or catching me by surprise during daily routines, but twice a year I get to really grieve. I partially return to those early days of heavy sadness and moans and groans deep from the back of the throat. April 13-April 27 is one of those times with April 13th and 23rd carrying the brunt of it. I try not to rehash the day and relive the events and all the what-ifs. It is the Lord's mercy to me that I understand this was no one's fault. People like to question where is God when bad things happen? He is on His throne just like He is when good things happen. We cannot begin to understand the sovereignty of God and why in his infinite wisdom he seemed to cover our eyes, plug our ears, and still our hands and feet. I can't stop the flashbacks that creep in or the nightmares that catch me unaware in my sleep, but I can capture those thoughts and pray to let them  rest in God's hands. I do feel the sorrow. I don't shy away from it, not on these days. I welcome it because it is cleansing and healing to remember and cry and moan and to even wish it weren't so. It somehow helps me to have the strength to keep going another year.
      I do think this day is going to be redeemed, but it won't be this side of heaven. I do know it will be a glorious day.