Saturday, April 17, 2010

What I've learned from Knox



I have been thinking lately about how life is different now than it used to be. The obvious would be the sorrow that I feel that I had never experienced before. There is no way to lose a child and be the same person ever again. What once was is no longer in so many different ways. I've talked often about seeing things through a different lens or perspective now; I often feel like that is ever changing as life continues.
I'd be lying if I said that I don't still feel a terrible sadness. It isn't always there but it tends to not go far away and returns easily. I really don't even wish that it would go away and never return. Maybe that is because I have seen how sadness and joy often intertwine though I often don't understand either. I'd also be lying if I said I don't still get angry, because I do. I still get mad he is gone and mad about how it happened and just mad in general. Fortunately, the shower wall doesn't have a hole in it yet. I do wish the anger would leave and never return.
What I don't think I expected was the gratitude that I sometimes feel. Here I am sad that he is gone and angry that he is never coming back, yet so very thankful. I am not thankful that he is gone or that this has happened to us; I don't ever see myself having that particular thankfulness. I do, however, feel a deep thankfulness for many things, many of which have come out of losing him. Some that are big and some that seem beyond ordinary that I would have taken for granted.
I am thankful that God has been faithful and steadfast; that just as He never left Knox he has never left us. No matter how sad or how angry I am; He does not change. There are many things I have not blogged about because they were either too personal or not my story to share, but when I look at the journey our family has traveled, I am thankful for how He has carried us and where He has brought us. It hasn't been easy and still isn't easy, but we aren't where we were, and I see Him working in every family member. I am also grateful that heaven no longer seems like some faraway place that I am not really anxious to get to because life seems to be here. No I am grateful that real life is there and this is just temporary. Jesus and the cross take on a whole new meaning.
Those are the big things, but there are also the little every day things that catch me by surprise that are still a part of His steadfastness...the warm sunshine, the hot sunshine, the wind blowing, all of creation for that matter, kids' smiles, smooth baby skin, wispy blonde hair, freshly-bathed children smell, dirty outdoor smell, helpful siblings, skipping boys, girls in flowing dresses, cars that run, a beautiful home to live in, precious friends, running water, indoor plumbing, being able to go buy advil for a sick child without having to balance the checkbook, being able to buy strawberries for a kid who wants them, being able to buy wholesome healthy food for my family, the knowledge to know how to feed them well...the list could go on and on. Sometimes I am moved practically to tears because I feel so provided for and cared for; better than I deserve. I know it probably seems really silly especially since I don't think I do a very good job of expressing thankfulness... At least, not in relation to how I feel.
This is the biggest thing I think that Knox has taught me: To not take for granted that which we have been given and to enjoy, treasure and live accordingly. I can honestly say, "I am blessed." Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows. James 1:17


To all my family and friends...I am incredibly grateful for all you do for us.

and incredibly thankful this master of the art of drool was and always will be a part of our family.

Friday, April 16, 2010

Give Me A Glimpse



This is a repost of the song that my friend Heidi Kaether wrote for Knox while he was in the hospital. I has since been recorded on one of her albums. I greatly appreciate all the people that felt our pain and were able to put it to music and poems.

Give Me A Glimpse

He looks like he's sleeping
amid the tentacles and beeping of technology.
Oh, how I wanna be
the one hurt and unmoving in his place
so that he can run and race around.
Let me hold my little boy.
Let me kiss the hurt away.

Lord, give me a glimpse!
Let me see the silver lining.
Give me a glimpse.
Lord, forgive me if it seems I'm whining.
I know everything will work out for our good.
And I don't have to understand.
I know I can trust Your plan.
But if You just could... If You just would,
Won't You give me a glimpse?

He looks like he's sleeping
amid the mourning and the weeping of his family.
Oh how I wanna see
his joy at meeting Jesus face to face.
Let me feel Your peace and grace abound
while You hold my little boy
and kiss every hurt away.

Lord, give me a glimpse!
Let me see the silver lining.
Give me a glimpse.
Lord, forgive me if it seems I'm whining.
I know everything will work out for our good.
And I don't have to understand.
I know I can trust Your plan.
But if You just could... If You just would,
Won't You give me a glimpse?

I never knew that one could hurt this much before.
Any moment he'll come running through that door.
I see his clothes laid on the chair
and his paci over there,
his fingerprints upon my heart and the refrigerator...

Lord, give me a glimpse!
Let me see the silver lining.
Give me a glimpse.
Lord, forgive me if it seems I'm whining.
I know everything will work out for our good.
And I don't have to understand.
I know I can trust Your plan.
But if You just could... If You just would,
Won't You give me a glimpse?

Lord, I know there'll be a day
when I'll watch him run and play
and you'll kiss all my hurts away...
but for now -
Won't You give me a glimpse?


I have gotten a glimpse or two I think. One of those times was recently as I was thinking about a friend of mine that is in the process of adopting a little boy. It has been a very long process that is prayerfully drawing to a close this summer. I was thinking about how long she has been waiting to meet him and was imagining what a joyful day that would be when she would finally see him face to face and take him in her arms. All of a sudden I got a glimpse: a glimpse of my reunion with Knox. He ran into my arms smiling brightly and I'd like to describe what it was like but their are no earthly words for it; just know it was sweet and precious and wonderful and everything else imaginable wrapped up into one little moment. Thank you Lord for that glimpse.

Tuesday, April 13, 2010

A Song for Knox




by Brian Franklin

"A Song for Knox"

I dreamed I said hello to you a week ago
You smiled at me like I was your best friend
And then you cried, I laughed, you slept, I held you in my arms
And Lord right now, I just don't understand

But Knox, oh no, it's not the end for us
you've gone ahead of us, for now
My soul clings to a better hope, because
our Lord has promised us He'll hold you in His arms
Until we come
or until He comes

And then there was the time when you and Jack just at
and laughed at silent cartoons on the tv screen
And every time I saw you with your mom or dad,
singing songs, upside-down, a smiling face
And I never thought that I'd see those days end
Lord, right now, we just don't understand

But, Knox oh no it's not the end for us
you've gone ahead of us, for now
My soul clings to a better hope, because
our Lord has promised us He'll hold you in His arms
Until we come
or until He comes

On my bed, I remember you
In the watches of the night I speak your name
My God, my God, please don't forsake us now
I cry out to you to hear me as I pray
May we see our little son again someday,
when You wipe all our lonely tears away


But, Knox oh no it's not the end for us
you've gone ahead of us, for now
My soul clings to a better hope, because
our Lord has promised us He'll hold you in His arms
Until we come
or until He comes

Until we come to join you
Until He comes again to take us all away
Until we come to join you
Until He comes again to take us all away
when we'll all be home togehter, some sweet day

a repost from here


Monday, April 12, 2010

Memory Lane: 2006 Bluebonnet Season


Our first Bluebonnet season. Look at those sweet little faces!!