Sneaky Little Joy Thief

Just another little name for grief when you don't really even realize it is there. I feel like I should be an expert at this by now, but even to me, grief is this nebulous foreign sounding word. I should know the rhythm of it in my life and there are some certainties...birthdays, holidays, homegoing. It doesn't take much to realize those are times that it is going to hit hard.

But there are times, like the last couple of days, where I feel like I have cried buckets when in reality I have only wiped away a tear or two. I wonder and question just where it is coming from. Ahhh...yes, the unexpected surfacing of grief over something that seems like it would be no big deal.

I have been working on my homeschool plans for the upcoming year. The last day or two I have been going through our core curriculum and getting together book lists, seeing what the library has, what we own, and what we need to buy and scheduling it out. Our curriculum has 4 levels. Anne Michal is in the highest level, Elizabeth in the second, and Jack and Emma in the third. Knox would be in the lowest level...or at least I think. I can't know because I don't know him. Not as an almost 6 year old.

He would be turning 6 this year, PEOPLE, 6! (in my best teacher voice!) This is unfathomable to me. 6. Would he be reading up a storm? or would I be pulling my hair out? Would he be considered a big kid or lumped with Creed and Janey Kate as one of the littles? I keep wondering why if all my kids have the Jon Anderson look-a-like genes, why they don't have the Jon Anderson organization neat-nick genes. I bet he would. Every family this big has to have one right? Maybe he'd be the one keeping everything in order and putting it all back in its place. Maybe he'd always know right where his pencil was and never lose his shoes. I do know he'd have one of the best grins because he already had that and I bet he'd always keep us smiling.

So there you have it. Who know planning school could be such a teary event? I probably shouldn't have been so surprised as I bet if I looked in my archives I blogged about this last year; I guess I better just add the start of school into the regular rhythm of grief and maybe it won't catch me quite so off guard next year.

We sure do miss that sweet boy of ours. Always a joy...always a joy.