Saturday, April 14, 2012

Redeeming the Day

This actually isn't about redeeming the day, but rather about not redeeming the day. I have had people tell me that I should do something to redeem April 13th and especially Friday, April 13th.  I can only assume the thought is  to change the bad memories over to good memories so I have good connections to this day rather than just the day my son nearly drowned. There is a problem, however. I don't want to redeem this day. I hate everything that happened that day and I miss him desperately. I have no desire to forget or to mark this day as anything other than his day. It is already difficult enough to have the freedom to mourn. A friend posted this link on facebook about grief being determined to be a mental illness after a mere two months. It used to be a year and now they want to change it to two weeks. It has been 5 years, and while I don't feel the oppression of grief it is often still a daily companion, and I really cannot imagine life any other way.
    God's given me the grace to live day to day and do the things I am called to do. I often do it poorly, but He continues to carry me through. I still grieve, but it tends to be in a quiet way often in the dark of the night or catching me by surprise during daily routines, but twice a year I get to really grieve. I partially return to those early days of heavy sadness and moans and groans deep from the back of the throat. April 13-April 27 is one of those times with April 13th and 23rd carrying the brunt of it. I try not to rehash the day and relive the events and all the what-ifs. It is the Lord's mercy to me that I understand this was no one's fault. People like to question where is God when bad things happen? He is on His throne just like He is when good things happen. We cannot begin to understand the sovereignty of God and why in his infinite wisdom he seemed to cover our eyes, plug our ears, and still our hands and feet. I can't stop the flashbacks that creep in or the nightmares that catch me unaware in my sleep, but I can capture those thoughts and pray to let them  rest in God's hands. I do feel the sorrow. I don't shy away from it, not on these days. I welcome it because it is cleansing and healing to remember and cry and moan and to even wish it weren't so. It somehow helps me to have the strength to keep going another year.
      I do think this day is going to be redeemed, but it won't be this side of heaven. I do know it will be a glorious day.

10 comments:

Allison said...

Our society struggles much against this but you are so right. Thank you for voicing it. Grieve my friend, for your precious son and a long life with him. My heart breaks for you. Much love!

Renee said...

Thank you for sharing your heart. I love you and you are in my prayers.

Kierstyn said...

I've often heard Jon pray for people to "grieve well". You just painted an amazing picture of what grieving well is.... placing our hearts, minds and the situation back in God's hand.

Thank you.

And, especially right now, you are in my prayers.

Samantha said...

I think about you and Knox all the time. I am so glad that you take these days for that grief. You need it and it is right.

Heather said...

Amen. You captured the heart of grief. Very well said - and thank you.

Nan said...

If we don't grieve death, how can we rejoice in eternity? Thank you for being a tender and broken and yet hopeful teacher in your sorrows. "Any comfort from His love..." You are doing that.

Susan said...

I followed Tina's fb link to read this. We lost our adult daughter to stage IV Lung cancer on May 19, 2011 so I can relate. I have mostly good days, because I choose to keep my eyes fixed on Jesus and the work He has called me to do but it just "suddenly" comes upon us some days. I had such a day recently and wrote this blog piece that day. Here is the link if you'd care to read my thoughts:
http://penlesswriter.blogspot.com/2012/04/how-does-one-measure-pain.html

One other thing: One of the many beautiful cards we received said these words and it helped me so much: "When we get to Heaven we think we'll finally get to ask "why?" but all we will say is "of course". I know the FULL PLAN OF GOD will be so clear then and that gives me great comfort.

Wanting What I Have said...

My heart aches for you. And I am so encouraged reading your post. Thank you for being so transparent. Praying for you.

Kelly said...

Praying for you today...for your whole family, but as a sister that's lost a sibling my heart is often drawn to pray especially for your children. Thank you for this post.

Abby Hutto said...

Ken and I are praying for all you. We too think of Knox often and grieve for your loss. Thank you for your openness about grief, mourning and sadness. I am so thankful that in Christ we have the freedom to hold onto both grief and hope. Knowing that He grieves over the sadness of our hearts brings me such comfort.