Just Because...

you have been on our minds so much...




and I can still hardly believe that I can't just reach right over and swing you up into my arms even though you'd be too heavy now...
because I miss looking into that face that knew so much but said so little...it is a long wait for an "I love you"
I thought of you while Jack and Creed were snuggled up on the couch watching TV and Janey Kate in just her diaper crawling all over them; for a brief moment, I could almost see you there too.
while it seems like you are on the outside looking in, I guess it is really the other way around and we are on the outside with barely a glimpse of your joy...

Let us praise and join the chorus
Of the saints enthroned on high
Here they trusted Him before us
Now their praises fill the sky
Thou hast washed us with Thy blood
Thou hast washed us with Thy blood
Thou hast washed us with Thy blood
Thou art worthy Lamb of God

A Hope for Janey Kate

Today after church, two sweet older ladies were talking with Janey Kate and enjoying her smiles and giggles. One of the ladies took her hands, looked her in the eyes, and told her,"The joy of the Lord is in your smile!" She told her that several times as she continued to talk and play with her.

I was thinking about that on the way home coupled with the sadness I feel over how teenage girls communicate. Sometimes I wonder if the only compliment they know is "You are so pretty" and any other compliment along a similar vein. They even argue over who is prettier. I have often wondered if they notice anything else about anyone other than the way they look, and if they are as concerned about their character as they are about how they look. I'd love for them to find a compliment about their friends that doesn't focus on their looks!

My hope for Janey Kate and my other girls isn't that they are pretty, gorgeous, or beautiful. They are all beautiful on the outside, but that isn't what I want them to concern themselves with or to be the number one thing people notice about them. My hope is that they have "The joy of the Lord" in their smile and their actions. My hope is that their sufficiency is in Christ and not in how they look. When people see them my hope is that they see "The joy of the Lord" in them and not just another pretty face.

Things to Remember

Creed saying grace for supper tonight...

Thank you for Knox and for having him in heaven with you.

Creed sitting beside me at supper and looking over at me to ask, "What is for lunch?" Knowing that he uses the words for all meals of the day interchangeably, I answer, "This is your lunch." He says, "Oh, well, thanks for lunch , Mom!" (he didn't like it, btw)

Emma heading to the shower with Creed by her side says to him with a sigh, "I love you Creed..."

and from this morning to remember for all those hard days of homeschooling that may come our way(like today)...

Here She Comes

Just a walking down the street...ok...not really, but she did take 3 steps before falling.

Sneaky Little Joy Thief

Just another little name for grief when you don't really even realize it is there. I feel like I should be an expert at this by now, but even to me, grief is this nebulous foreign sounding word. I should know the rhythm of it in my life and there are some certainties...birthdays, holidays, homegoing. It doesn't take much to realize those are times that it is going to hit hard.

But there are times, like the last couple of days, where I feel like I have cried buckets when in reality I have only wiped away a tear or two. I wonder and question just where it is coming from. Ahhh...yes, the unexpected surfacing of grief over something that seems like it would be no big deal.

I have been working on my homeschool plans for the upcoming year. The last day or two I have been going through our core curriculum and getting together book lists, seeing what the library has, what we own, and what we need to buy and scheduling it out. Our curriculum has 4 levels. Anne Michal is in the highest level, Elizabeth in the second, and Jack and Emma in the third. Knox would be in the lowest level...or at least I think. I can't know because I don't know him. Not as an almost 6 year old.

He would be turning 6 this year, PEOPLE, 6! (in my best teacher voice!) This is unfathomable to me. 6. Would he be reading up a storm? or would I be pulling my hair out? Would he be considered a big kid or lumped with Creed and Janey Kate as one of the littles? I keep wondering why if all my kids have the Jon Anderson look-a-like genes, why they don't have the Jon Anderson organization neat-nick genes. I bet he would. Every family this big has to have one right? Maybe he'd be the one keeping everything in order and putting it all back in its place. Maybe he'd always know right where his pencil was and never lose his shoes. I do know he'd have one of the best grins because he already had that and I bet he'd always keep us smiling.

So there you have it. Who know planning school could be such a teary event? I probably shouldn't have been so surprised as I bet if I looked in my archives I blogged about this last year; I guess I better just add the start of school into the regular rhythm of grief and maybe it won't catch me quite so off guard next year.

We sure do miss that sweet boy of ours. Always a joy...always a joy.

Life 101

Elizabeth and I were watching Pride and Prejudice the other night and we go to the part where Lydia is going off to Brighton with Colonel Forster's wife to be her particular companion. Her mother tells her something along the lines of take every opportunity to have as much fun as possible.

Elizabeth pipes up rather indignantly, "Well, that is terrible advice! That is like saying, 'Just have fun but don't worry about anything else...like having fun is the most important thing there is!' "

When watching the movie before we have talked about what silly girls the younger Bennett sisters are, and Jon and I have talked about how we hope our girls are not "Lydias." I think Elizabeth is off to a good start!

A Creed Funny

One of Creed's new things is to ask for 5 more minutes. If i tell him it is time to go to bed or take a nap, he is going to say, "Can I have 5 more minutes?" And when I tell him no, he is going to ask, "Can I have 3 more minutes?" He has also been known to then ask for 7 more minutes...heehee.

Today at naptime he started his usual 5 more minutes dialogue and I told him he could have zero more minutes. I didn't even consider that the might have no clue what zero meant until as I was putting him to bed he is crying, "But you said I could have zero more minutes!!!"

and so I did, son, so I did.